Article #794158 - The Darkwing Duck Watch

Today's item is one of my all-time favorite things - the Darkwing Duck watch.

I can't believe someone would want a Rolex when a watch like this exists.

I've probably had 5 of these watches over the past 20 years, destroying every single one of them from overuse. I just love these things with a firey passion. I stopped wearing them a couple years ago, just because I couldn't stand the thought of killing any more!

Poor mutilated DW watch...

See?! It's terribly sad to see my old Darkwing Duck watch like that... the tears are coming!!

Besides the super coolness of the watch, the art for the box is pretty awesome too! I wish they would make stuff like this again. Oh well, I guess.

A REAL WATCH

Enjoy, and don't forget to be careful when you're getting dangerous!

The Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Collection (part 16 of 16)

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end... this is the end of the Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Comics.

We've been through a lot together, and I don't know about you, but I've learned a lot. I've learned that 2 seconds of chicken screams are perfect nightmare fuel. I've learned how to cheat at basketball. I've learned that puppies are perfect tools for closing overstuffed suitcases. I've learned that finding oil is "durned bad luck". Most importantly though, I've learned what to say when I'm stuck in the car wash and having a psychotic episode/stroke.

Today, though, the learning ends. And what better way to close out this collegiate experience than with a Wacky Races slide comic? 

THERE IS NO BETTER WAY.

So, it comes to this. Our final Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Comic is from the files of Wacky Races and is entitled "Bridge Out".

In the first panel we see our old psychotic friend Penelope Pitstop, the evil Dick Dastardly, and those spooky Munster-like people coming to a closed road because of a downed bridge. They seem very disappointed about this as evidenced by their exclamation of "WELL THAT ENDS THE RACE".

That one Munster-y/Addams Familyish guy wants to know where could they "SCARE UP A BRIDGE". 

HA. I get it.

Then, some Paul Bunyan guy in a wooden car with his pet Beaver come plowing through shouting through his teeth...

"MAKE WAY FOR THE BUZZ WAGON"

Paul Bunyan then plows through a bunch of green pine trees (and one blue one), knocking them over, and chopping them up, destroying entire ecosystems in a few short blows.

Apparently he seems to have constructed a bridge out of trees that used to be bird and chipmunk houses, and some professor in his (or her) helicopter car thingy takes it away.

The ever-smiling Paul Bunyany man and his Beaver are left behind to "CATCH UP" as everybody else Wacky Races along across the freshly laid bridge.

Aaaaaaand scene. Bow, hold for applause.

Thank you, and good night.

And good riddance to you stupid, dumb, evil, Satanic, poopy, and just plain idiotic Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Comics!!

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The end.

For now...

The Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Collection (part 15 of 16)

We are ONE comic away from being done with these things, so be excited.

DO IT.

BE EXCITED, DANG IT!!

Okay, well since you're obviously not going to be excited we'll just get on with the program.

Today's fantastical comic stars the Wacky Racer Penelope Pitstop in the sad story "Soggy Setback".

So, Penelope and those 3 little tiny mobster guys are driving along and decide to stop at some random car wash in the middle of nowhere.

Hmm… seems legit.

As soon as they drive in, some weird purple guy wearing a mask and purple cape and hat slams the door, locking them in!

He turns on the faucet and laughs very Nelson-ish.

"GOODBYE, PESTS! HAW HAW!"

In the next panel, we see the four roadsters up to their legs in water.

Now here's where the story gets weird.

As the water is filling up the car wash, Penelope goes hysterical and says 5 words that make NO SENSE AT ALL --

"QUICK POCKETS CHUGGABOOMS

UNDERWATER ATTACHMENT"

WHAT THE HECK IS THAT!?! Did she have a stroke?! 

I HAVE NEVER BEEN AS CONFUSED AS I AM RIGHT NOW.

Oh God, I don't even know if I can finish this...

I just have so many questions…

Okay, okay. I can do this. I can do this. Breathe, Jeremy. Breathe.

*Phew*

Well, after having some sort of demon possessed moment, Penelope hits the gas and KRAKs right through the door and over the weird purple guy.

As Penelope and the three mobster dudes drive away, the weird purple guy sits there and laments that "THE CLAW'S PLAN IS ALL WASHED UP!". Oh. I guess the weird purple guy's name is THE CLAW. Just erase the name "weird purple guy" up there and replace it with THE CLAW. That'll work. I'm too lazy to fix it. Blah.

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Now, pass the Excedrin. My brain hurts. And I'm sure Penelope's does too.

The Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Collection (part 14 of 16)

Since this is my 50th post, I'm feeling kind of lazy, so I'm going to do the bare minimum.

Hold onto your hats.

This is a comic. It has Mighty Mouse. It is called "Magnetic Personality". Oh, the fun.

Some mice are going to a picnic in a helicopter. Why? I don't know, and frankly, I don't want to know.

Some cat has a magnet and talks to himself.

Lightningy magnetism strikes the helicopter.

HUMMMMM

The cat uses the magnet to make the helicopter "COME TO PAPA".

I don't know how he knows evil is happening, but out of the blue (well, actually out of the green) Mighty Mouse comes to save the day by SNATCHing the magnet from the cat. 

The cat runs away and then WHOOSH, Mighty Mouse throws the magnet at the cat.

The magnet knocks the cat on the ground and pins him to the ground while stars and what appears to be a sparkler bounce on his brain barrier (his head).

The end.

Now, let's all join in a silent prayer to thank the sweet Lloyd that there are only 2 more of these crapfests left.

CLICK on the photo(s) to enable the ENLARGE-O-MATIC PHOTO EMBIGGENER®. 

Or don't. Whatever.

Don't enjoy this one.

Article #32127 - The Darkwing Duck Scripts (Part 4 of 4)

Well, here we are at the end of the Darkwing Duck script collection. Lucky for you, though, we have barely even scratched the surface of my Darkwing Duck collection! Oh yes.

Today's script is for one of the best episodes of the entire series, "The Darkwing Squad". In this episode, J. Gander Hooter decides that Darkwing needs to train S.H.U.S.H.'s best (aka nerdiest) agents to be more like the daringly dashing Darkwing. Of course, Gryzlikoff hates this idea, but if we let him be the boss of this whole operation, then we wouldn't have this episode, which would lead to not having this script, which would lead to not having this blog entry!

*GASP*

Thank God Gryzlikoff isn't in charge.

For the rest of the episode, while Darkwing trains the bumbling agents, the evil supervillian Steelbeak takes advantage of Gryzlikoff's anger at the situation to recruit him to F.O.W.L. for his prolific plot against humanity! Of course, then it's The Darkwing Squad to the rescue!

Oh, by the way, The Darkwing Squad contains Darkwing Donkey, Darkwing Dog, Darkwing Deer, and Darkwing Dodo.

Woo hoo!

Wait… that's DuckTales… Uh, LET'S GET DANGEROUS!!

Yeah, that's right.

Unfortunately, unlike Dirty Money, this script doesn't have a storybook based on it. Sadness. But, fortunately for us all, the episode is available on the second volume of Darkwing Duck DVDs. YIPEE!

Orrrrr you can watch it below!

Download the script for "The Darkwing Squad" HERE.

Enjoy!

The Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Collection (part 11 of 16)

Ahhhhh yes… the Kenner Give-a-Show slide comics. You can't escape it. Search your feelings, you know it to be true!

I... don't know why I just said that.

Well anyways, here we go again.

Today's comic features that pathetic puddy-tat Sylvester and his evil nemesis, Tweety! Oh, goody.

For some reason, Sylvester and Tweety, who are both well-known domesticated house pets, are entwined in some sort of chase in the forest. THE FOREST. Yeesh... the factual inaccuracies in these comics are becoming more and more obvious.

"I TAWT I TAW A PUDDY TAT!"

Yeah… Well, duh.

HEH HEH

ZOW (hey, that's a new one!) - Sylvester continues to chase Tweety until…

ZIP - Tweety swoops down and into a hollow log. Oh, great. I've seen enough silent movies to know where this is going.

Sylvester chases Tweety into the hollow log, as a butterfly flies around his butt for some unknown reason.

Suddenly, Tweety pops out from a tiny hole in the log, giving a fond farewell to the "puddy". HA! I KNEW IT!

CRUNCK KRASH CRUNK - Out of nowhere, this log decides to roll down the orangey/reddish ground towards a lake or a river or a stream or some sort of body of water.

A fjord? Yeah. I'm gonna say it's a fjord.

In the end, we see Sylvester now frantically floating down this fjord on the hollow log, whilst Tweety taunts him, like the little twerp he is.

THE END.

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Enjoy… I guess.

Record #1970 - Paul Frees and the Poster People

Today's record is the musical/comedy album Paul Frees and the Poster People by the grooviest ghost host in the galaxy, Paul Frees! (Thank you, Captain Obvious)

Paul Frees was an amazing voice-over (and sometimes screen) actor who got his start, like most people of that time, in radio. He did a lot of announcing and narration, as well as voices on tons of anthology shows. He was excellent at impersonations (as you'll hear later), and was called on to do dubbing for certain films, sometimes completely replacing the whole dialogue!

He worked for most of the big studios, most famously doing the voice of Boris Badenov on Rocky & Bullwinkle, but his talents were utilized most often by Disney. He did voices for their films and TV shows, narrating the Man in Space series, The Nine Lives of Elfego Baca, and he also created the voice of Professor Ludwig Von Drake!

Disney Imagineering seems to love his voice, since he can be heard in pretty much every single early Disney attraction. He did voices for The Enchanted Tiki Room, Pirates of the Caribbean, Adventure Thru Inner Space (MAGNIFICATION), and his most popular, and my favorite, the Ghost Host of The Haunted Mansion.

He did write and direct one film himself -- "The Beatniks". It's… um… not very good… BUT it is entertaining enough to have been featured on one of the best episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000, so it's got that going for it!

Now, on to the record!

What makes this record awesome to me, is that it includes two things that I love immensely -- 60s pop music and crazy celebrity impersonations. YES!

The whole thing is fun to listen to, but the highlights for me are definitely the W.C. Fields version of "Mama Told Me Not To Come", the Sidney Greenstreet version of "Sugar, Sugar" (like, the best song EVER), and the Peter Lorre version of "Hey Jude".

If you can't find this fun, then you obviously have no soul.

Now, if Iris will finally shut up, give it a listen, and enjoy Paul Frees and the Poster People!

Download the album HERE.

The Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Collection (part 6 of 16)

We find ourselves here, in a familiar terrain. A place where dreams do come true, and even when they don't, at least they've got free pizza. If you didn't guess already, the place of which I'm referring to is the vault of the Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Collection! Woooo!

Tonight, we find ourselves in a high-flying tale of terrificness, starring the one and only Daffy Duck in "Imprudent Student". Brilliant.

Our story begins at Daffy's Flying School, where Daffy is taking Elmer Fudd on his first lesson. Considering Elmer could never figure out whether to shoot Daffy or Bugs, this is a gigantic step in their duck/man relationship.

When they get off the ground and into the wild pink yonder, Daffy begins explaining the 3 important rules of flying - "First, always keep your hands on the controls".

Of course, in true cartoony fashion, Elmer turns his head with not enough time to hear and respond the second rule of flying - "always watch where you're going".

Oh no! He's going down! (RRRRRRR)

Then, SCRONK! Uh oh. He didn't follow the third rule of flying - Never land in a tree.

And that's why you don't let off-model cartoon ducks open up flying schools.

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The Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Collection (part 5 of 16)

Now, back to your regularly scheduled program. That is, if your program includes another heart-wrenching installment of the Kenner Give-a-Show Slide collection! It does? Well then, you're in luck, because that is exactly why I'm here!

Today's cadaverous cartoon stars one of animation's most cherished characters, Bugs Bunny, in "Bugs Bunny Rides Again". Oh man, I'm excited. I mean, it's Bugs freakin' Bunny! He's hilarious. This HAS to be good… right?

In this tragic tale of terror, we find Yosemite Sam, looking a little redder than usual, racing through the desert on a tiny horse, ready for a showdown with that rabbit! You know, these slide comic cartoon characters really need to start wearing more sunscreen.

He arrives at the saloon, and finds his nemesis, Bugs Bunny! (dun dun dunnnnn… the plot thickens!) Apparently, Bugs has hit his head or eaten some bad carrots or something, because he obviously thinks Yosemite Sam's is a king, and calls him "sire".

Oh no! It's time for a showdown!

Well, Yosemite Sam decides it's time to make Bugs dance by shooting at his feet, which makes Bugs jump for joy as he challenges Sam to a dance-off. Ohhhhhhhhh snap!

Yosemite Sam accepts this challenge (as any gentleman should) and shuffles off!

But, while Bugs giggles with giddiness, Yosemite Sam dances himself away - right down a mine shaft in the middle of Main Street!! That bouncy Bugs Bunny has given him the slip once again!

Oh, Bugs! You rascally rabbit, you!

Stay tuned for Part 5 of The Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Collectionalicious! Woo!

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Article #32123 - The Darkwing Duck Scripts (Part 1 of 4)

Today, we've got the first of my collection of four Darkwing Duck scripts. I purchased these teleplays about a year ago, from eBay, just thinking they were another awesome thing to add to my always growing Darkwing Duck collection. Little did I know, these scripts belonged to Ron Feinberg, the voice of S.H.U.S.H. (the secret spy organization Darkwing sometimes worked for) agent Grizzlikof!

Ron Feinberg was a character actor who, before moving to voice acting primarily, guest starred on many classic shows, such as Mission: Impossible, Hawaii Five-O, and the classically forgotten caveman sitcom, It's About Time!

All four of these scripts are obviously Grizzlikof-featuring episodes, and in fact are some of my favorites. Today's script is for "Bad Tidings", a Batman meets I Love Lucy style episode where Grizzlikof and Darkwing have to put their differences aside to stop Steelbeak (my favorite Darkwing Duck villain) and his evil organization F.O.W.L. (the Fiendish Organization for World Larceny) from conquering the world with their tidal wave machine. Yep. A TIDAL WAVE MACHINE. God, I love cartoons.

DOWNLOAD THE PDF OF THE "BAD TIDINGS" SCRIPT HERE

Sadly, this episode isn't available on DVD (YET!!), but here's the YouTube links to watch as you read along!

Enjoy!

The Kenner Give-a-Show Slides Collection (part 1 of 16)

Today we've got the first of my collection of 16 Kenner Give-A-Show Slides.

If you don't know what a Give-A-Show Slide Projector is, then check this out...

Now, if you haven't already been scared away by the frightening chicken at the end of that commercial screaming "BY KENNER!!!", then you're gonna find the rest of this article pretty cool.

It seems like back in the late 60's, kids could be entertained by, well, pretty much anything -- especially awfully written comic strips of their favorite Hanna-Barbera and Warner Brothers cartoons being projected on their walls!

Today's comic (if you can even call it that) is the Space Kidettes in the hilariously punnified adventure titled "Bone-A-Fide Detective".

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Enjoy!

Article #1985 - The Creepy Christmas Cards From The Dead Guy In The Freezer In "The Goonies"

The past two months have been crazy. I have survived a couple of Los Angeles earthquakes, a stolen iPhone 4G, Goth Day at Disneyland®, and the death of Corey Haim. So lay off me, jerks. Sheesh.

Anywhoo, While we're on the subject of Corey Haim, let's forget about him and talk about Corey Feldman aka Mouth aka That Metalhead Kid From The 'Burbs (my favorite Tom Hanks movie, mostly because it has Carrie Fisher in it... *drools*) aka Washed Up Child Actor Who Tried A Comeback With A Reality TV Show And Failed Miserably #854.

So, in 1985, while I was still in my mother's womb (okay, not really), my mom and dad went to go see The Goonies. I don't remember much, since I was still in hiding, but from what I do remember there were lots of children running around and cursing, Josh Brolin, pirates, Chunk making puke noises in a movie theater, "Hey you guyyyyyys!!", and Josh Brolin. Did I say Josh Brolin twice? I sure hope I did, because No Country For Old Men rules.

I'm sure you've seen the movie. If you haven't, then you are fired. Seriously. Get out of here. Really. Go. NOW.

Nah, I'm just spoofin' you.

So, there was this scene in the movie where Chunk (he's the fat kid, of course!) smells ice cream through a lead freezer door (just like all fat kids can), and opens it up and starts eating the ice cream and then a DEAD GUY FALLS ON HIM IN THE FREEZER.

That dead guy I just mentioned is the actual subject of this blog entry. Don't be fooled by all the talking I did up there. It's just filler. I feel the need to fill your minds with tons of empty knowledge that you'll never be able to use in your daily life! And THAT my friends, is my evil plan to conquer the world!!

So we come back to the dead guy from The Goonies, who was one of my dad's clients. My dad is a printer and printed his Christmas cards for him. Here we have two of the creepiest, weirdest, and just plain wrong Christmas cards I have ever seen in my life. I would like to thank my dad for not exposing these to me when I was a child.

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P.S. HERE he is in the freezer with Chunk.