Record #6,000,001 - The Six Million Dollar Man "4 Exciting Christmas Adventures"

MERRY CHRISTMAS!! Today's record is the fantasmagicalistic Six Million Dollar Man record "4 Exciting Christmas Adventures"! Hooray!

So the 1970s were weird... obviously. The Six Million Dollar Man was insanely popular, so they merchandised the crap out of it. There are t-shirts, shoes, action figures, and yes, Christmas records.

I'd like to point out that none of these stories are exciting. But one has a stereotypical German guy named Fritz! So I guess that makes the record pay for itself.

One of my favorite things about this kind of story records, is to compensate for the lack of images, they have to describe everything. This would be nice, if it didn't mean Steve Austin didn't have to talk to himself all the time. It's super awkward.

Also, I'm about 3000% sure that Lee Majors is not doing the voice of the Six Million Dollar Man. Buuuuut I could be wrong.

Well, here you go. Enjoy the non-excitement of these 4 exciting Christmas Adventures... or else Santa Claus will kill you. And if he doesn't, I will.

Download the record HERE.

Record #1985 - The Goon Squad - Eight Arms To Hold You (12" Single)

Alright, Goonies... Today's record is the incredible superduperly magnificientalicious 12" single "Eight Arms To Hold You" from the soundtrack to The Goonies.

So, you might be saying to yourself "Hey, Jeremy. Why is there a song about an octopus on The Goonies soundtrack?! There's no octopus in The Goonies! You lying, dastardly son of a motherless goat!"

To answer this hypothetical question that nobody asked, I'd have to point you to this video of a (dun dun dunnnnnnn) DELETED SCENE FROM THE GOONIES!

Put that in your pipe and smoke it! Wooo! I win!

Anyways, so they wrote this song for the movie, and the song didn't end up being in the finished movie, but they still made a single for it and, well, the rest is history... I guess.

So there's 3 tracks on this. The first is the regular old vocal track, then you've got the "Bonus Beat" version, which is basically the short version of the song with more bass drum and no vocals. Lastly, you've got the "DUB" version, which is the song with 10 extra seconds of filler. Whee!

You can download the "Eight Arms To Hold You" 12" single HERE!

And, yes the file is ginormous -- just like the octopus... and Chunk's belly.

Record #4569 - Aerobics USA

Today's record is the astronomically awesome Aerobics USA!

Aerobics USA is, in fact, created by Georgiana Liccione Stewart -- the same genius who brought us Disco For Kids. Remember how groovalicious Disco For Kids was?? Well, Aerobics USA is just about 2/3rds as awesome as that.

Unfortunately, Aerobics USA doesn't include not-disco-but-categorically-described-as-disco disco music. It does, however, include generic cover versions of generic 1980s pop-rock hits!

These hits include --

     • Bruce Springsteen's "Glory Days", "Born to Run" and "Born in the USA"!

     • Phil Collins' "Separate Lives"!

     • David Bowie and Mick Jagger's "Dancing in the Streets"!

     • Giorgio Moroder's (WHO?!?) "Reach Out"!

and last, but certainly not least...

     • The Army's lousy commercial theme song "Be All That You Can Be"!

As you can plainly see, this is a great album. It's chock full of classic music, an overdose of Springsteen, creepy narration (CLAP!), and…

DANCE MOVES, CHARLIE!!

YES!!

I have never seen a more rigorous workout than that, and as far as I know, I never will.

This record, which also includes the instrumental versions on the flip side, is a sure fire way to keep in shape AND listen to popular music at the same time!

Keep rockin' your body!! YEAH!!

Download your Aerobics USA workout HERE.

Record #1987 - City of Crime (Theme from "Dragnet")

This is the blog -- Los Angeles, California. I write here. I carry a badge.

The article you are about to read is true. The names have been kept the same, because it would be less interesting if I changed them.

DUN DA DUNNNNNN DUN DA DUN DA DUNNNNN!!

In the late 1980s, someone had the bright idea to hire Dan Aykroyd to write and star in a comedy film based on the classic TV cop drama Dragnet. Since Jack Webb wasn't around, they cast Dan Aykroyd as Sgt. Joe Friday's nephew with the same name, and gave him a new sidekick named Pep Streebek, played by Tom Hanks. Yes, that Tom Hanks. The film also featured the original Bill Gannon from the 1960s series, Harry Morgan!

In the film, Captain Bill Gannon puts Sgt. Friday and Pep on the case of an evil cult that goes by the the awesome acronym P.A.G.A.N., which stands for "People Against Goodness And Normalcy". I seriously love that.

Now, to be honest, the film isn't so bad. In fact, it's quite funny. Dan Aykroyd does a pretty great Jack Webb impersonation, and Tom Hanks is just perfectly hilarious. Having the original Bill Gannon from the 60s TV show adds more hilarity, and there are some great supporting parts by Dabney Coleman as a Hugh Hefner-type and Christopher Plummer as a televangelist. It also has a great foul-mouthed cameo by the hilarious 1960s character actress Kathleen Freeman. It's just awesome.

By the way, I subscribe to the belief that Harry Morgan is one of the funniest people in the history of the universe. His voice and his delivery as the comic relief in the 1960s Dragnet have made me laugh harder than some comedians can.

I only have one problem with this film. It's also the problem I have with most films from the mid to late 80s. That problem is -- the use of crappy "rap" music.

Almost all of these late 1980s soundtracks include horrible "rap" songs.

Why? I have no clue.

This film is no exception.

Dragnet has a RAP THEME SONG performed by its stars Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks.

Yes.

I am completely serious.

See?

Although it may be pretty terrible, I have be honest, I have way too much fun listening to Academy Award® Winner Tom Hanks SCREAM his sweet flows at me.

THEY GOT THE GIRL ALL FRIGHTENED, THAT'S NOT NICE!!
I THINK SHE IS THE VICTIM OF A SACRIFICE!!

Good God, man. I can hear you just fine!

Well, here you go. Here is the original 5 MINUTE (HOLY cRAP!) rap theme song to the classic 1980s comedy Dragnet, as performed by Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks, from the original 12" single.

Download "City of Crime" HERE.

I leave you with this 1970s comedy sketch featuring Sgt. Joe Friday and Officer Bill Gannon interrogating comedy legend Jack Benny.

The blog you have just read is true. No names were changed, because no one is innocent.

Record #7-10 - Bowl-A-Record

The title Bowl-A-Record kind of explains itself, doesn't it? No? Bah! You people and your expectations of long, convoluted descriptions and paragraphs that lead to nowhere!

Well, you asked for it (not really) and now you're going to get it.

Anyways, today's record is the "supreme, scientific way of harnessing the power of your mind" to get on your way to becoming THE GREATEST BOWLER IN THE UNIVERSE!!

Okay, not really. Maybe the greatest bowler in your apartment building, but not the universe.

Sorry if I got your hopes up.

This record is supposed to teach you how to become a better bowler by using the POWER OF SUGGESTION which apparently, we all have. That's a lame superpower. I want Cheese-Vision™, dang it.

As evidenced by the back cover of this record, the narrator, Professor Richard Carl Spurney (who has a degree in Bowlology) is "one of the world's noted authorities on recorded suggestion. He has served in this capacity as consultant to our armed forces, the medical profession, educational institutions, and large corporations". Huh. Didn't know that. Don't really care, either.

In case you're wondering, the POWER OF SUGGESTION is basically you trying to convince (aka hypnotize) yourself to think that you're a better bowler. Now, maybe that helps you, and that's cool, but I  sure as heck don't try to convince myself that I'm a brain surgeon, although that would be fun...

As you listen to the narration on Side Two, you should be convinced that the power of suggestion is a serious thing.

No… wait… That's the "Power of Love" by Huey Lewis and the News.

Well,  anyways, don't listen to Side Two if you're sleepy, because you might fall asleep and wake up a better bowler and try to bowl a baby out a window or something. People do crazy things when they're hypnotized. Believe me, I've seen enough horror movies to know that these things happen almost every day.

Well, I hope you enjoy Bowl-A-Record. Perhaps one day, with the help of Professor Richard Carl Spurney, you will become a better bowler and win the World's Championship of Bowling, or as I like to call it, The Bowling Bowl.

Fair warning though -- if you do win The Bowling Bowl, I get half the prize money for introducing you to this self-improvement record.

Download the Bowl-A-Record record HERE.

Have fun, and keep bowling for the stars!!

Record #3456 - Disco for Kids

Today's record is the freakishly funkalicious album, Disco for Kids! Now, I never really realized it till now, but almost all disco music is completely ridiculous.

I'm kidding. Obviously it's all ridiculous. Case in point - The Village People.

In 1977, disco was king. Forget punk rock. It's all about the disco, baby! YEAH!

I mean, disco was so dang popular, they even made a disco version of the Star Wars theme, and yes, just as you imagined, it is the 3rd or 4th greatest song ever recorded.

Don't believe me? Well, then you are denial and must check out the video below.

See? I TOLD YOU.

Okay, so it's not that great, but hey, it's fun!

Anyways, disco = big in the mid-70s.

Got that? Good. Now, onto the bloggery stuff.

Disco for Kids is, in one word, MAGNIFICENT. It has some of the greatest non-disco-but-categorically-described-as-disco music ever recorded, PLUS an instructional guide for dance moves! DANCE MOVES, CHARLIE! (I don't know who Charlie is, I just felt like saying that)

I don't know about you, but I have wanted to learn how to do the Knock Knee Bump since the beginning of time, and you know what? Thanks to this album, NOW I CAN! This is what America is all about, people.

Besides the great vaugely disco-ish music, my favorite thing about this record is Al Dana's nightmarish narration.

One word -- CLAP.

I honestly don't think I have ever heard anything more creepy.

One cool thing about this album, is that on Side A you have the songs with the narration teaching you the dance moves, but Side B contains all the instrumental versions of the songs! It's totally perfect for your junior high school's talent show! Ohhhh yeah!

I think my favorite track may be Slow Stomp (aka I've Got a Feeling) mostly because of the way he says "AND THE CHICKEN!" and "SIDE!" and that krazy keyboard riff. Oh, come on. You know you love it.

So, that's Disco for Kids! I've included the instructional booklet for you in the file as well. There's no need to thank me, just say a silent prayer to Günter, the Disco King, and all will be well with the Lloyd.

Download Disco for Kids, HERE.

Record #1970 - Paul Frees and the Poster People

Today's record is the musical/comedy album Paul Frees and the Poster People by the grooviest ghost host in the galaxy, Paul Frees! (Thank you, Captain Obvious)

Paul Frees was an amazing voice-over (and sometimes screen) actor who got his start, like most people of that time, in radio. He did a lot of announcing and narration, as well as voices on tons of anthology shows. He was excellent at impersonations (as you'll hear later), and was called on to do dubbing for certain films, sometimes completely replacing the whole dialogue!

He worked for most of the big studios, most famously doing the voice of Boris Badenov on Rocky & Bullwinkle, but his talents were utilized most often by Disney. He did voices for their films and TV shows, narrating the Man in Space series, The Nine Lives of Elfego Baca, and he also created the voice of Professor Ludwig Von Drake!

Disney Imagineering seems to love his voice, since he can be heard in pretty much every single early Disney attraction. He did voices for The Enchanted Tiki Room, Pirates of the Caribbean, Adventure Thru Inner Space (MAGNIFICATION), and his most popular, and my favorite, the Ghost Host of The Haunted Mansion.

He did write and direct one film himself -- "The Beatniks". It's… um… not very good… BUT it is entertaining enough to have been featured on one of the best episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000, so it's got that going for it!

Now, on to the record!

What makes this record awesome to me, is that it includes two things that I love immensely -- 60s pop music and crazy celebrity impersonations. YES!

The whole thing is fun to listen to, but the highlights for me are definitely the W.C. Fields version of "Mama Told Me Not To Come", the Sidney Greenstreet version of "Sugar, Sugar" (like, the best song EVER), and the Peter Lorre version of "Hey Jude".

If you can't find this fun, then you obviously have no soul.

Now, if Iris will finally shut up, give it a listen, and enjoy Paul Frees and the Poster People!

Download the album HERE.

Record #53 - The Story of The Love Bug

Today we've got another entry in the everlasting plethora of my Disney collection. Now, submitted for your approval, here is The Story of The Love Bug!

In the film The Love Bug, a washed-up race car driver, Jim Douglas and his pal Tennessee stumble upon a Volkswagen bug named Herbie in a fancy European car showroom, run by the horrible, evil, murdering, villainous monster El Guap… I mean, Mr. Thorndyke! Apparently this car has a mind of its own and follows Jim home! They discover that he is incredibly fast for a tiny car, purchase him from Mr. Thorndyke, and decide to enter him into a race! When Mr. Thorndyke hears of this, he decides that he wants Herbie back, and will do anything to make that happen! And, just as usual, hilarity ensues. God, I love that phrase.

The movie spawned four sequels (including the Lindsay Lohan one, yuck), as well as a 5-episode TV spin-off and a made-for-TV remake starring Bruce Campbell.

Oh, and it was the second highest grossing US film of 1969. Kablammo! Take that, Paint Your Wagon!

Now... onto the record!

Like the The Story of Blackbeard's Ghost before it, the album The Story of The Love Bug is narrated by a character from the movie. This time, it's narrated by Buddy Hackett as his character Tennessee! Although they are similar, it is very different from the Blackbeard's Ghost record, as this has newly recorded dialogue not performed by any of the other original actors from the film. Oh well. They can't all be winners.

Now, unlike the movie which is fun and hilarious, this record is kind of awkward and just plain weird. The guy who plays Dean Jones' character in the original film sounds nothing like him, and obviously doesn't get that the character is supposed to be a little neurotic. You know, kind of like every Dean Jones character.

In another odd choice, the guy who was cast as the villainous British guy Mr. Thorndyke was the super All-American Dallas McKennon. He is probably best known as the voice of the safety spiel on the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad Disney attraction, as well as Gumby and Pokey! In this record, he plays Mr. Thorndyke completely unlike David Tomlinson, and almost as a version of Dick Dastardly from Wacky Races. Although strange, it's kind of entertaining, considering this story has a lot of Wacky Races-esque situations.

Confusingly, the narration by the usually hyper and humorous Buddy Hackett is really really really really strange and kind of lethargic. It even borders along creepy at times. Especially the last line of the record. Sends shivers down my spine… blechhhh.

And last but not least, what would something from the 1960s be without some politically incorrect humor?! The portrayal of the Chinese character Mr. Woo, who ends up owning Herbie halfway through the story, is incredibly revolting, and probably pretty racist too. Eeeeek.

Now, onto the good, non-racisty stuff!!

One of the coolest things about these story records is that a handful of them include story books attached to them! The Story of The Love Bug is one of those, and has 11 pages full of super groovy art! It's bright and colorful, and does a great job capturing the scenes from the movie.

Now, please enjoy the laughter, love, and lexcitement (I couldn't think of another "L" word) of The Story of The Love Bug! And remember my friends, when buying a used car, always look under the hood for whipped cream.

*Sigh* I want a Herbie...

Download the album, along with all the storybook art HERE.

Record #57 - Zingers from the Hollywood Squares

There's no real way to describe Zingers from the Hollywood Squares. Just as the title says, it includes actual zingers from the Hollywood Squares TV show. You know, back in the early 1970s it was a novel idea to name an album, and then fill it with content that actually matches the title. It was a brilliant concept.

This album is pretty dang funny, and why shouldn't it be? Look at all the hilarious people that are on this thing!

You've got Paul Lynde (of course), Don Knotts, Dom Deluise, Sally Fields, Buddy Hackett, Mel Brooks, Rose Marie, Don Rickles, Harvey Korman, Vincent Price, Suzanne Pleshette, Burt Reynolds, and of course, Charo.

And what would a 1970s TV show be without Charo? Nothing, that's what!

Instead of watching the "New" Hollywood Squares (ugh), enjoy this audio recording of actual funny people doing what they do best (which is be funny, just in case you didn't know).

Download the album HERE.

Aaaaaannnnd, last but not least, check out this hilarious video of Paul Lynde doing the local weather in Toledo, Ohio!

Enjoy!

And don't forget, every time you order a McRib, a demon gets its horns.

Record #1977 - This is Your... Princess Adventure

Today's record is the perfectly splendiferous, This is Your...Princess Adventure. Unfortunately, this record isn't about another treacherous trip with Cinderella, gosh darn it. It's almost better though, because, as you can plainly see, this is a document of YOUR Princess Cruise Adventure! Hey! Cruises are awesome! They're like a big floating buffet!

There is no doubt that you partook in the all of the activities offered to you by the cruise line - the casino, the lounge singers, jackpot Bingo, dance lessons, London pub night, the midnight buffet, the nightlife entertainment, the captain's cocktail party, and most importantly, skeet shooting!

Now, I've been on 3 cruises, but not ONE of them has given me the option of shooting things that are catapulted off the ship. The only activities I've been offered are shuffleboard and ping pong. I demand more guns!!

Anyways, this record is tons of fun, and it features a bunch of the strange and bizarre second-rate cruise entertainment. From my personal experience, ALL Cruise entertainment is super weird, yet delightfully fun! For example, the last time I was on a cruise there was a mariachi band playing Katy Perry songs. That's why you pay the big bucks for these fancy cruises.

As it says on the cover, this is a souvenir "LIVE" recording of your entire Princess Cruise! I'd really love to know why the word "LIVE" is in quotation marks. It says on the back that it is "actually recorded live onboard". So… is it really live, or is it just "LIVE"? Hey Princess Cruises, I NEED to know.

And, just as it's described, this deep and moving album truly is the perfect recording to share your Princess Cruise adventure with your loved ones at home. Now, find your muster station, sit back, relax, put this album on the phonograph, and enjoy vacationing vicariously through other people's 1977 Princess Adventure!

Download your very own Princess Cruise HERE.

Record #66 - Wild, Wild Winter - Soundtrack

If you really know me (which you don't, but that's okay), then you most certainly know that I LOVE Beach Party movies. All the ones with Frankie and Annette, It's a Bikini World, The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini, and even the non-Beach Party, but Beach Party-esque films, Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine, Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs, Sergeant Deadhead, and Village of the Giants.

Interestingly enough, those folks in the mid 60s decided for some reason they needed to move away from the hustle and bustle and sunshine of the beach, and move into the cold, snowy winter. It started with Ski Party, with Frankie Avalon (with only a cameo from Annette! Blasphemy! Although, there is Yvonne Craig... Hmmm... I forgive them, I guess.). Apparently that went well, so Universal decided to rip off American International Pictures (as is the custom in Hollywood), and film the masterpiece Wild, Wild Winter, the second of the three Beach Party-esque (and only) films directed by Lennie Weinrib, the original voice of Scrappy-Doo and H.R. Pufnstuf. Um... yeah.

It's not filmdom's finest hour and a half, but it gets the job done. The premise of the movie is as follows (if you can follow along at all, you win a gold cookie) - Two frat brothers go to the mountains, bringing their surfer friend, Ronnie Duke (a surfer name if I've ever heard one (and I have)) along to seduce the head of a sorority, who also happens to be the dean's secretary. Apparently the head of the sorority, Susan, has brainwashed the other female students to avoid dating all the boys in school for some reason. Of course, Ronnie finds a way to become the captain of the ski team and wins over Susan from her evil fiancee, John Harris (such an evil name). Hilarity ensues.

Oh, and did I mention he joined the ski team to help save the school from its financial troubles? I didn't? Oh well.

As with all Beach Party movies, this one has a soundtrack (that's not available on CD, mind you) featuring a few 60s pop groups, and this is the part of the blog where I tell you about it. This soundtrack is chock (well, actually half) full of some great pop songs by some of the "exciting hit groups" of their day. They are - Jay and the Americans, The Astronauts, The Beau Brummels (who are also featured in Village of the Giants), Dick and Dee Dee, and last, but not least, Jackie and Gayle. Jackie and Gayle also perform "Our Love's Gonna Snowball" (GET IT?!? BECAUSE OF WINTER!! HAHAHA), the unofficial theme song to the movie.

In case you were wondering what you're getting into here, here's Jay and the Americans performing their song "Two of a Kind" in the film!

The flip side of this disc includes some of the score/incidental music from the film, which is actually pretty cool. You don't usually get that kind of stuff from these 60s B-movie type thingamajigs. The main title song is by Chester Pipkin, and the rest are by Jerry Long, whose score is, as the back cover states, "the tastiest treat you've had in a long, long time". Wonderful.

This was another super groovy record store find, and while I may be two dollars poorer, I am forever rich with the ultimate happiness bestowed upon me by this record.

Wild, Wild Winter (1966)

1. Jay and the Americans - Two of a Kind

2. The Astronauts - A Change of Heart

3. The Beau Brummels - Just Wait and See

4. Dick and Dee Dee - Heartbeats

5. Jackie and Gayle - Our Love's Gonna Snowball

6. Chester Pipkin - Main Title

7. Jerry Long - Latin Source

8. Jerry Long - Wild Watuse

9. Jerry Long - Hawaii to Military

10. Jerry Long - The Chase

11. Jerry Long - End Title

Download it HERE.

Enjoy!