Quincy, M.E. "Slow Boat to Madness" Script

Today's script is from the classic two-part Quincy, M. E. episode "Slow Boat to Madness"!

Of course, as you all know (or should know) Quincy, M. E. stars the klug-man himself, Jack Klugman as a Los Angeles medical examiner who always gets involved in all sorts of crazy hijinks that he shouldn't be getting involved in.

This time, while on a cruise vacation in Tahiti, Quincy and his girlfriend get mixed up in a crazy situation -- someone is drugging passengers on the ship, making them go crazy and hallucinate. The drugs eventually kill the crazy hallucinating passengers, causing the rest of the people on the ship to go into a panic, afraid for their lives! Of course, Quincy being Quincy, feels the need to help and stop this crazy plot from going too far!

This is a fun two-parter with lots of action, and lots of cool late 70s/early 80s cruise ship stuff, which I LOVE... as evidenced by my earlier post of the Princess Cruise Adventure record.

One thing I really love about this episode is the ship's captain, played by character actor Ed Nelson, who is also in one of my top 5 favorite movies of all time -- Roger Corman's A Bucket of Blood. Also, he's the elusive Robert Denby, which immediately makes him the greatest human being to have ever lived.

Ed Nelson!

Oh, and you can watch A Bucket of Blood for free online, because it's in the Public Domain! Yipee!

Probably my favorite scene in this episode is in part two, when, during a screening of Phantom of the Opera, a passenger goes crazy! It's insane madness. I love it.

Oh, and the other thing I love about this episode is, after a costume party, Quincy has to seriously explain what's going on to the ship's doctor and the captain, and he is still in costume... as a jockey... with a tiny bowtie and everything.

Dr. Quincy -- Serious jockey dude

If you wanna see this episode, it's available on Netflix streaming... in HD! Jack Klugman in high definition. Nothing could be better.

Also, if you're looking for another episode of Quincy, M. E. to watch, you must must must must MUST watch what is probably the greatest episode of television ever -- "Next Stop Nowhere", where Quincy goes after punk rock. That episode guest stars Jan Levenson-Gould herself, Melora Hardin, as a teenage punk rocker. Gabba gabba hey!

You can download the Quincy, M. E. script to "Slow Boat to Madness" HERE.

Record #89432 - Shindig!

Today's record is the soundtrack/compilation from the super cool 60s music TV show, Shindig!

Shindig! was a pretty cool show. Trillions (okay, not trillions but maybe billions) of really popular musicians performed (or lip synced) their hits on the show, and then sold millions of records! Yipee!

Wanna see what it was like? Well, here's The Beach Boys performing "Do You Wanna Dance" on Shindig! while Mike Love dances like a freak.

Or how about The Ronettes performing "Be My Baby"?

Or The Searchers performing Sonny Bono's song "Needles & Pins"?

Or, if you're so inclined, the greatest car chase song ever (and my ringtone), "Sunshine, Lollipops & Rainbows" by Lesley Gore?

Yup, it was prettay, prettay, prettay, prettay groovy.

This soundtrack is pretty groovy too, with some great 60s pop/rock-ness. Pretty much the only big names on this album are Fats Domino, The Impressions, and The Tams, who everybody knows (or at least should know).

Even though those artists are pretty great, my favorite artist on this album  is Steve Alaimo. Why? Well, because he starred in a really crappy movie about bikers getting their "kicks" called The Wild Rebels, which, as you can guess, was featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000. That fact alone makes him go up about 32 notches in my book.

You can download the Shindig! soundtrack HERE.

Turn-On: Episode #1003 Script

Well, boy howdy. Today's item it something that is unimaginably ridiculous and extremely rare. It is the script from the nonexistent third episode of the unclassic 1969 sketch comedy show Turn-On, featuring guest star Sebastian Cabot!

For some reason, George Schlatter, the guy who produced Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (which was actually funny and smart) decided to make a new show where the premise is that a computer chooses what weird ass political comedy is going to be thrust into your face on your television.

Cool, huh?

Well, not really. It didn't really go as planned. Depending on who you believe, the show was either cancelled after the first episode, or as Tim Conway says, halfway through the airing of the first episode. I choose to believe Tim Conway. He is Dorf, after all.

Interestingly enough, Albert Brooks was on the writing staff of this show. Now, look, I LOVE Albert Brooks. I think Real Life and Modern Romance are two of the funniest movies ever, but this show is just BLECH. Sorry, Al.

RANDOM TRIVIA: Apparently, since the show got cancelled, the second episode's airing (which guest starred Robert Culp) was preempted with an airing of the film The Oscar, which is one of my favorite campy 1960s movies. Groovy.

Supposedly the comedy was too provocative for its time. Or it just sucked. Here, judge for yourself from some clips from the unaired second episode.

Yeah. Weird.

The thing that I can't understand about this show is why it has to be a semi-clone of the infinitely better Laugh-In. The show moves from one sketch to the other at the speed of light, and the "jokes" in this show are either weird sight gags or nonsensical one-liners that required a set up not short enough to fit on a popsicle stick.

Take for example, this one --

HA! OH MY GOD! THAT IS SO SUBVERSIVE!

(Not really.)

Maybe I'm just too young or stupid or something, but I just don't find that funny at all. Maybe it's just really not funny. I don't know. I'm no comedy expert... although I pretend to be.

I also can't help but hear this sound whenever I read the punchline of all these jokes. That may be throwing me off.

The best thing about this script is the inclusion of some storyboard and concept art doodles for the episode, even though they aren't all that funny either... with the exception of this one --

Boob jokes are always hilarious, even if they make no sense with absolutely no context whatsoever.

If you wanna know more about this strange show, you should check out this interview with George Schlatter about Turn-On, or if you live in Los Angeles, go to the Paley Center for Media where you can watch the first episode in their library... which I've yet to do. You can also check out the Wikipedia page for a description of some skits from the first episode.

So, check out this rare oddity that you probably can't find anywhere else, and pray that maybe one day the two filmed episodes will be released on DVD for posterity... or for some other reason.

Download the Turn-On script for episode #1003 HERE.

Beyond Westworld "Sound of Terror" Teleplay

Today's super insanely radical magnificentness is the script for the "Sound of Terror" episode of the short-lived TV series Beyond Westworld!!

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Hey, Jeremy. There's no TV show called Beyond Westworld! Would they really make a TV show based off the Westworld and Futureworld movies? No! That's crazy! YOU'RE CRAZY! STOP TORTURING ME WITH OBSCURE CRAP!"

Well, I hate to break it to you, but yes, they did make a TV series based off the Westworld/Futureworld movies... and it was awesome!

Okay, so it wasn't that cool. But still! A Westworld TV series? I'd watch it. And I have, thanks to the healing power of bootleg DVDs. It's an odd little obscurity with a premise that really forces you to suspend disbelief to the extreme.

In the show, a mad doctor named Simon Quaid (who used to work for the Delos parks) has created and programmed a bunch of androids to integrate into society as humans and do his bidding to help him in his mission to conquer the world! Yeesh... why can't mad doctors ever use their powers for good?

Anyways, there's these spies, John Moore and Pamela Williams, and their mission is to find these androids and destroy them! Cool, huh?

Obviously the show didn't last too long. Actually, they only produced 5 episodes and 2 of them never aired in the US. The premise for the show is pretty fun, but it really has nothing to do with the Westworld series of films, except for the name "Delos" and the crazy, murderous robots. 

It's too bad the show didn't have too much to do with the films, though. I think that Westworld is one of the most fun and interesting Sci-Fi movies ever made, and it's one of my all-time favorites. Unlike most people, I really like the sequel Futureworld, too. But then again, I'm weird. Also, I will watch, and inevitably fall in love with anything starring Peter Fonda and/or Stuart Margolin.

Now... back to the show! 

So the script we have here is from the final aired episode -- "Sound of Terror". In this episode, the evil Simon Quaid steals some Uranium from a nuclear power plant with the help of an android member of the rock group Power and Ruth to sell to a terrorist named Hakim Fadar, so John and Pamela follow the band around and thwart Quaid's plan of world domination! Super groovy. 

Check out the episode preview (and title sequence) below!

  

I really enjoy the writing in this script, especially the description of the band, which dresses them up like some weird mixture of Jefferson Airplane and The Village People.

 Man, I just love reading about shaking butts...

I especially love the dialogue that's given to the members of the band, which is very similar to a lot of the corny 70s and 80s After-School Special stuff. It doesn't make them cool, it just makes them sound like your regular old rockstar stereotype, saying all sorts of random colloquialisms that NOBODY SAYS. Well, that is unless real, actual people in the 70s called their name their "handle" and talked about getting their "kicks" a lot.

The episode ends just like your basic 70s/80s TV series with the one thing about television that  will never, ever get old -- The FREEZE FRAME! God, I love those.

I think it's a pretty fun episode with lots of music and action and spying, but it apparently wasn't fun or action-packed or spy-ful enough for everyone else, since the show was cancelled after this episode aired.

The show hasn't really been seen too much since it was cancelled (except for bootlegs), but apparently that will change in the near-ish future, since the geniuses at the Warner Archive say their going to release it on DVD! Then you can buy the DVD and watch it and read the script at the same time! Hooray for multitasking!

You can download the Beyond Westworld "Sound of Terror" teleplay HERE.

Bombs Away!

Article #794158 - The Darkwing Duck Watch

Today's item is one of my all-time favorite things - the Darkwing Duck watch.

I can't believe someone would want a Rolex when a watch like this exists.

I've probably had 5 of these watches over the past 20 years, destroying every single one of them from overuse. I just love these things with a firey passion. I stopped wearing them a couple years ago, just because I couldn't stand the thought of killing any more!

Poor mutilated DW watch...

See?! It's terribly sad to see my old Darkwing Duck watch like that... the tears are coming!!

Besides the super coolness of the watch, the art for the box is pretty awesome too! I wish they would make stuff like this again. Oh well, I guess.

A REAL WATCH

Enjoy, and don't forget to be careful when you're getting dangerous!

Record #57 - Zingers from the Hollywood Squares

There's no real way to describe Zingers from the Hollywood Squares. Just as the title says, it includes actual zingers from the Hollywood Squares TV show. You know, back in the early 1970s it was a novel idea to name an album, and then fill it with content that actually matches the title. It was a brilliant concept.

This album is pretty dang funny, and why shouldn't it be? Look at all the hilarious people that are on this thing!

You've got Paul Lynde (of course), Don Knotts, Dom Deluise, Sally Fields, Buddy Hackett, Mel Brooks, Rose Marie, Don Rickles, Harvey Korman, Vincent Price, Suzanne Pleshette, Burt Reynolds, and of course, Charo.

And what would a 1970s TV show be without Charo? Nothing, that's what!

Instead of watching the "New" Hollywood Squares (ugh), enjoy this audio recording of actual funny people doing what they do best (which is be funny, just in case you didn't know).

Download the album HERE.

Aaaaaannnnd, last but not least, check out this hilarious video of Paul Lynde doing the local weather in Toledo, Ohio!

Enjoy!

And don't forget, every time you order a McRib, a demon gets its horns.

Article #32123 - The Darkwing Duck Scripts (Part 1 of 4)

Today, we've got the first of my collection of four Darkwing Duck scripts. I purchased these teleplays about a year ago, from eBay, just thinking they were another awesome thing to add to my always growing Darkwing Duck collection. Little did I know, these scripts belonged to Ron Feinberg, the voice of S.H.U.S.H. (the secret spy organization Darkwing sometimes worked for) agent Grizzlikof!

Ron Feinberg was a character actor who, before moving to voice acting primarily, guest starred on many classic shows, such as Mission: Impossible, Hawaii Five-O, and the classically forgotten caveman sitcom, It's About Time!

All four of these scripts are obviously Grizzlikof-featuring episodes, and in fact are some of my favorites. Today's script is for "Bad Tidings", a Batman meets I Love Lucy style episode where Grizzlikof and Darkwing have to put their differences aside to stop Steelbeak (my favorite Darkwing Duck villain) and his evil organization F.O.W.L. (the Fiendish Organization for World Larceny) from conquering the world with their tidal wave machine. Yep. A TIDAL WAVE MACHINE. God, I love cartoons.

DOWNLOAD THE PDF OF THE "BAD TIDINGS" SCRIPT HERE

Sadly, this episode isn't available on DVD (YET!!), but here's the YouTube links to watch as you read along!

Enjoy!

Article #3 - The "¡Three Amigos!" Screenplay

Today, we have the REVISED FIRST DRAFT Screenplay for the greatest comedy film of all time, ¡Three Amigos!.

¡Three Amigos! is by far the funniest and most quotable film of all time, ya son of a motherless goat. See? I just quoted it right there! This amazing film was directed by John Landis, and written by the one-time writing trio of the always hilarious Steve Martin, SNL Executive Producer Lorne Michaels, and songwriter Randy Newman. Yes, THAT Randy Newman.

¡Three Amigos! follows the storyline of three down-on-their-luck silent film actors - Lucky Day, Dusty Bottoms, and Ned Nederlander. When a village in Mexico is being terrorized by the infamous El Guapo, they call out to the Three Amgios, a group of actors, who have just lost their jobs at Goldsmith Pictures. Unfortunately for everyone, the villagers think they are real gunfighters, and the Amgios think it's "just another show". Hilarity ensues… and I'm not being facetious when I say that. And, like all great films, ¡Three Amigos! features guns, drunks, music, Mexicans, dancing, sweaters, an invisible swordsman, and of course, the singing bush!

This screenplay is a revised first draft, dated 7/18/85. Like most early drafts, this one features many differences from the released film, as well as some notations in the margins. For example - Dusty's name in this version is "Lester", there's an alternate opening scene, an alternate introduction for the Amigos (featuring the Amgios in the studio mansion), and a scene where the Amgios encounter Indians who bury them up to their necks in sand. For an Amigo nerd like me, this is Heaven.

I've always been disappointed that I've never been able to see these scenes that I'd always read about… but the wait might finally be over! This November, the Blu-Ray will be released, and according to John Landis, it will include a plethora of extra scenes!


***UPDATE***
The Blu-Ray DOES include the alternate opening scene as well as the alternate Amigo introduction and song! GO GET THE BLU-RAY NOW!!

So sit back, grab a bottle of Tequila (it's like beer!), and enjoy reading the original screenplay for "¡THREE AMIGOS!"

Download the PDF HERE, you scum-sucking pigs.

ENJOY, BUTTERCUPS!!

Book #1129 - The TV Facts Magazine

Today we've got an awesome TV Facts magazine from the week of November 29-December 5, 1981.

Yes, of course it's got Loni Anderson on the cover! Why wouldn't it?!

By far, my favorite thing about magazines from the past, are the advertisements. Like this one - an ad featuring EVA GABOR WIGS. God, I love wigs.

You know, every time I pick up an old magazine, I get annoyed with all the stuff that I missed.

Especially this one called Disneylandia. Apparently, it's an episode of the awesome Disneyland or Wonderful World of Color shows, in Spanish.

Now, knowing me, I'd totally be switching the channels during the Disneylandia commercials to try to multi-watch Happy Days Again, Laverne and Shirley and Friends, Hogan's Heroes, Tic Tac Dough, Match Game, and The Muppet Show. It'd be a tiring hour of television, but I think I could do it. And oh, how happy I would be!

Of course, we can't forget those late night movies. God, there are so many great movie listings in here, but one stands above the rest…

Yes! The epic Don Knotts and Tim Conway movie, "Private Eyes"!! Why can't TV be this awesome now? Sigh…

Well, if you're wondering where you can pick up a copy, well…

…or you can just download this awesome time capsule of television HERE.

Enjoy!