Movie #92 - Chéz-Zam!

Today I'm going to share with you a videotape that makes me very happy.

The videotape is called Chéz-Zam, and it is by far, the greatest thing to have ever happened... EVER.

I case you couldn't tell by that beautifully creepy cover up there, Chéz-Zam is an entertainment/party group that is some crazy messed up mixture of Cirque du Soliel, CATS, Studio 54, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and 89 hits of acid... and a whole buttload of cocaine.

Why am I even trying to explain this to you with mere words?

Take 13 minutes out your day and check out the entire Chéz-Zam promotional videotape below, and find out what Chéz-Zam is really all about –

Freakin' Alan Alda.

I'm not entirely sure there's anything more that I can say – it's just perfect.

Also, I'm about 78% sure this is Clemmy from RENO! 911.

If you can believe it, these Chéz-Zam folks are still around... and if someone doesn't hire them for my next birthday party, I'll be thoroughly disappointed.

Record #81 - Shirley, Squirrely & Melvin: "LIVE"

What would life be without crappy ripoffs of crappy novelty groups? 

Nothing, thats what. And, well, today's record is one of those.

Today's record is a ridiculous ripoff of the already tremendously terrible Alvin & the Chipmunks, by the group Shirley, Squirrely & Melvin and their album "LIVE", although I highly doubt that it's an actual "LIVE" recording.

I wonder if the people who made this really thought they'd get away with such a blatant ripoff. Dave Seville should sue these guys.

Alright, so yeah. Those Alvin & the Chipmunks people were making a lot of money off of albums like Chipmunk Punk and the like, so a bunch of people started making these weird "high-pitched animals singing pop songs" records. I guess these people didn't think twice about the inevitable comparisons between squirrels and chipmunks.

Even the Simpsons made fun of this whole "Rodent Invasion".

Hey, look! Spinal Tap!

Anywhoo, let's talk about this album. 

It really spoke to me.

It told me "WE CAN MAKE YOU HATE A BUDDY HOLLY SONG".

On that note, let's begin our track by track journey through this mess and try to make some sense out of this ridiculousness.

1) Introduction - Fake crowd noises and someone saying the group's name. So far this is my favorite track on the album.

2) Back in the USA - Our first real song is a Chuck Berry song. One of these squirrels implores us to "COME ON AND CLAP YOUR HANDS". Sorry, but no. I refuse to put my hands together to make such a noise.

3) It's So Easy - Ah, the aforementioned Buddy Holly song. This just makes me sad. If they really wanted to do "ONE FOR BUDDAY!", then they should have done him the favor of leaving it alone. Now whenever I hear the supremely superior original version, this crappy one will pop into my head. Ugh. Don't listen to this version unless you want your heart to cry.

4) The Gambler (feat. Denny Richards) - Okay, this one is just ludicrous. LUDICROUS, I SAY! This cover of the classic song features the alternate Hell-on-Earth-Universe version of Kenny Rogers -- Denny Richards. Now, are they REALLY trying to make us think that Denny Richards is a real person? I'm not convinced. Also, should squirrels be singing songs about drinking and gambling? Can these squirrels even wrap their tiny little brains around the importance of this song? Am I looking too much into this?

5) Mercedes Benz - This is a Janis Joplin song. It is an a capella song. Now, I don't really like Janis Joplin all that much, but still. Come on. These people are on a mission to ruin every single song from the past 60 years with high-pitched squirrels, and by golly, they're gonna do it.

6) Boulevard - Okay, here's a Jackson Browne song. I hate it. You hate it. We all hate it. Let's all hate it some more by making squirrels sing it. Whee!

7) Soul Man - This song makes me wish I didn't have a soul.

8) Blue Suede Shoes - Why? Because Elvis sounds SO MUCH BETTER when you up the pitch 3 and a half notches.

9) I Like Reggae Too - Ugh. I don't. 

10) Get Back - Oh yeah. Because we haven't ruined everything good in the world yet, let's ruin the Beatles. Yippee!

11) Love Lives On - Finally. The end. And, unsurprisingly, another crappy crappiness of craptoscity. Almost as bad as Ron Cey.

Thanks a lot, Canada, for ruining everything good in music. Again. Was ANVIL not enough!?

I'm kidding, of course. Anvil rules.

Shirley, Squirrely & Melvin on the other hand... Blech.

Download this idiocy HERE.

The Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Collection (part 16 of 16)

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end... this is the end of the Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Comics.

We've been through a lot together, and I don't know about you, but I've learned a lot. I've learned that 2 seconds of chicken screams are perfect nightmare fuel. I've learned how to cheat at basketball. I've learned that puppies are perfect tools for closing overstuffed suitcases. I've learned that finding oil is "durned bad luck". Most importantly though, I've learned what to say when I'm stuck in the car wash and having a psychotic episode/stroke.

Today, though, the learning ends. And what better way to close out this collegiate experience than with a Wacky Races slide comic? 

THERE IS NO BETTER WAY.

So, it comes to this. Our final Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Comic is from the files of Wacky Races and is entitled "Bridge Out".

In the first panel we see our old psychotic friend Penelope Pitstop, the evil Dick Dastardly, and those spooky Munster-like people coming to a closed road because of a downed bridge. They seem very disappointed about this as evidenced by their exclamation of "WELL THAT ENDS THE RACE".

That one Munster-y/Addams Familyish guy wants to know where could they "SCARE UP A BRIDGE". 

HA. I get it.

Then, some Paul Bunyan guy in a wooden car with his pet Beaver come plowing through shouting through his teeth...

"MAKE WAY FOR THE BUZZ WAGON"

Paul Bunyan then plows through a bunch of green pine trees (and one blue one), knocking them over, and chopping them up, destroying entire ecosystems in a few short blows.

Apparently he seems to have constructed a bridge out of trees that used to be bird and chipmunk houses, and some professor in his (or her) helicopter car thingy takes it away.

The ever-smiling Paul Bunyany man and his Beaver are left behind to "CATCH UP" as everybody else Wacky Races along across the freshly laid bridge.

Aaaaaaand scene. Bow, hold for applause.

Thank you, and good night.

And good riddance to you stupid, dumb, evil, Satanic, poopy, and just plain idiotic Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Comics!!

CLICK on the photo(s) to enable the ENLARGE-O-MATIC PHOTO EMBIGGENER®!!

The end.

For now...

The Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Collection (part 15 of 16)

We are ONE comic away from being done with these things, so be excited.

DO IT.

BE EXCITED, DANG IT!!

Okay, well since you're obviously not going to be excited we'll just get on with the program.

Today's fantastical comic stars the Wacky Racer Penelope Pitstop in the sad story "Soggy Setback".

So, Penelope and those 3 little tiny mobster guys are driving along and decide to stop at some random car wash in the middle of nowhere.

Hmm… seems legit.

As soon as they drive in, some weird purple guy wearing a mask and purple cape and hat slams the door, locking them in!

He turns on the faucet and laughs very Nelson-ish.

"GOODBYE, PESTS! HAW HAW!"

In the next panel, we see the four roadsters up to their legs in water.

Now here's where the story gets weird.

As the water is filling up the car wash, Penelope goes hysterical and says 5 words that make NO SENSE AT ALL --

"QUICK POCKETS CHUGGABOOMS

UNDERWATER ATTACHMENT"

WHAT THE HECK IS THAT!?! Did she have a stroke?! 

I HAVE NEVER BEEN AS CONFUSED AS I AM RIGHT NOW.

Oh God, I don't even know if I can finish this...

I just have so many questions…

Okay, okay. I can do this. I can do this. Breathe, Jeremy. Breathe.

*Phew*

Well, after having some sort of demon possessed moment, Penelope hits the gas and KRAKs right through the door and over the weird purple guy.

As Penelope and the three mobster dudes drive away, the weird purple guy sits there and laments that "THE CLAW'S PLAN IS ALL WASHED UP!". Oh. I guess the weird purple guy's name is THE CLAW. Just erase the name "weird purple guy" up there and replace it with THE CLAW. That'll work. I'm too lazy to fix it. Blah.

CLICK on the photo(s) to enable the ENLARGE-O-MATIC PHOTO EMBIGGENER®.

Now, pass the Excedrin. My brain hurts. And I'm sure Penelope's does too.

The Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Collection (part 14 of 16)

Since this is my 50th post, I'm feeling kind of lazy, so I'm going to do the bare minimum.

Hold onto your hats.

This is a comic. It has Mighty Mouse. It is called "Magnetic Personality". Oh, the fun.

Some mice are going to a picnic in a helicopter. Why? I don't know, and frankly, I don't want to know.

Some cat has a magnet and talks to himself.

Lightningy magnetism strikes the helicopter.

HUMMMMM

The cat uses the magnet to make the helicopter "COME TO PAPA".

I don't know how he knows evil is happening, but out of the blue (well, actually out of the green) Mighty Mouse comes to save the day by SNATCHing the magnet from the cat. 

The cat runs away and then WHOOSH, Mighty Mouse throws the magnet at the cat.

The magnet knocks the cat on the ground and pins him to the ground while stars and what appears to be a sparkler bounce on his brain barrier (his head).

The end.

Now, let's all join in a silent prayer to thank the sweet Lloyd that there are only 2 more of these crapfests left.

CLICK on the photo(s) to enable the ENLARGE-O-MATIC PHOTO EMBIGGENER®. 

Or don't. Whatever.

Don't enjoy this one.

Record #4569 - Aerobics USA

Today's record is the astronomically awesome Aerobics USA!

Aerobics USA is, in fact, created by Georgiana Liccione Stewart -- the same genius who brought us Disco For Kids. Remember how groovalicious Disco For Kids was?? Well, Aerobics USA is just about 2/3rds as awesome as that.

Unfortunately, Aerobics USA doesn't include not-disco-but-categorically-described-as-disco disco music. It does, however, include generic cover versions of generic 1980s pop-rock hits!

These hits include --

     • Bruce Springsteen's "Glory Days", "Born to Run" and "Born in the USA"!

     • Phil Collins' "Separate Lives"!

     • David Bowie and Mick Jagger's "Dancing in the Streets"!

     • Giorgio Moroder's (WHO?!?) "Reach Out"!

and last, but certainly not least...

     • The Army's lousy commercial theme song "Be All That You Can Be"!

As you can plainly see, this is a great album. It's chock full of classic music, an overdose of Springsteen, creepy narration (CLAP!), and…

DANCE MOVES, CHARLIE!!

YES!!

I have never seen a more rigorous workout than that, and as far as I know, I never will.

This record, which also includes the instrumental versions on the flip side, is a sure fire way to keep in shape AND listen to popular music at the same time!

Keep rockin' your body!! YEAH!!

Download your Aerobics USA workout HERE.

The Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Collection (part 13 of 16)

 Okay. Here we go again. SLIDE COMICS. Oh come on, you know you love it.

Today's Give-a-Show stars those crazy carnivores Motormouse & Autocat in the profound potboiler "Oops!"

Autocat's NEW RADAR SUCTION HARPOOON IS READY! Yes! Finally! I mean, the 1970 model was great, but dang, this 1971 model sure is far out!

BEEP

Motormouse speeds on by on some sort of motorbikecycle!

ZZZT!

Then, Autocat who kind of resembles Heathcliff, sets his suction harpoon to retrieve anything on a motorcycle. YES! Finally, some action in these things.

KaBLOOEY

The suction harpoon explodes and flies across apartment buildings… and my favorite restaurant -- EAT!!

Looks like Autocat's caught something! He reeeeeeeels it in!

CRANK CRANK

"Oops!".

HEY!! THAT'S WHERE THE TITLE CAME FROM!! NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE!! (No it doesn't)

BEEP (again)

Oh, hilarity ensued and Autocat has harpooned a police bike. HA.

As Autocat is hauled away to jail in a paddywagon, Motormouse ZOW's by just to taunt him.

So as we all can see, the exploits of Motormouse & Autocat are just a step below (or above, your pick) Tom & Jerry.

The end.

The Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Collection (part 11 of 16)

Ahhhhh yes… the Kenner Give-a-Show slide comics. You can't escape it. Search your feelings, you know it to be true!

I... don't know why I just said that.

Well anyways, here we go again.

Today's comic features that pathetic puddy-tat Sylvester and his evil nemesis, Tweety! Oh, goody.

For some reason, Sylvester and Tweety, who are both well-known domesticated house pets, are entwined in some sort of chase in the forest. THE FOREST. Yeesh... the factual inaccuracies in these comics are becoming more and more obvious.

"I TAWT I TAW A PUDDY TAT!"

Yeah… Well, duh.

HEH HEH

ZOW (hey, that's a new one!) - Sylvester continues to chase Tweety until…

ZIP - Tweety swoops down and into a hollow log. Oh, great. I've seen enough silent movies to know where this is going.

Sylvester chases Tweety into the hollow log, as a butterfly flies around his butt for some unknown reason.

Suddenly, Tweety pops out from a tiny hole in the log, giving a fond farewell to the "puddy". HA! I KNEW IT!

CRUNCK KRASH CRUNK - Out of nowhere, this log decides to roll down the orangey/reddish ground towards a lake or a river or a stream or some sort of body of water.

A fjord? Yeah. I'm gonna say it's a fjord.

In the end, we see Sylvester now frantically floating down this fjord on the hollow log, whilst Tweety taunts him, like the little twerp he is.

THE END.

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Enjoy… I guess.

Record #3456 - Disco for Kids

Today's record is the freakishly funkalicious album, Disco for Kids! Now, I never really realized it till now, but almost all disco music is completely ridiculous.

I'm kidding. Obviously it's all ridiculous. Case in point - The Village People.

In 1977, disco was king. Forget punk rock. It's all about the disco, baby! YEAH!

I mean, disco was so dang popular, they even made a disco version of the Star Wars theme, and yes, just as you imagined, it is the 3rd or 4th greatest song ever recorded.

Don't believe me? Well, then you are denial and must check out the video below.

See? I TOLD YOU.

Okay, so it's not that great, but hey, it's fun!

Anyways, disco = big in the mid-70s.

Got that? Good. Now, onto the bloggery stuff.

Disco for Kids is, in one word, MAGNIFICENT. It has some of the greatest non-disco-but-categorically-described-as-disco music ever recorded, PLUS an instructional guide for dance moves! DANCE MOVES, CHARLIE! (I don't know who Charlie is, I just felt like saying that)

I don't know about you, but I have wanted to learn how to do the Knock Knee Bump since the beginning of time, and you know what? Thanks to this album, NOW I CAN! This is what America is all about, people.

Besides the great vaugely disco-ish music, my favorite thing about this record is Al Dana's nightmarish narration.

One word -- CLAP.

I honestly don't think I have ever heard anything more creepy.

One cool thing about this album, is that on Side A you have the songs with the narration teaching you the dance moves, but Side B contains all the instrumental versions of the songs! It's totally perfect for your junior high school's talent show! Ohhhh yeah!

I think my favorite track may be Slow Stomp (aka I've Got a Feeling) mostly because of the way he says "AND THE CHICKEN!" and "SIDE!" and that krazy keyboard riff. Oh, come on. You know you love it.

So, that's Disco for Kids! I've included the instructional booklet for you in the file as well. There's no need to thank me, just say a silent prayer to Günter, the Disco King, and all will be well with the Lloyd.

Download Disco for Kids, HERE.

Article #32125 & 6 - The Darkwing Duck Scripts (Part 3 of 4) & Storybook

I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the script-owning scourge that squeegees my way into your soul! I am.... DARKWIIIIINNNNGGG DUCK!

Well, not really, but that was my half-assed attempt at being as awesome as the Darkwing Duck writers. Anywhoo, welcome to part THREE of my collection of Darkwing Duck scripts!

Today's script is entitled "Dirty Money" and features one of the rarest (and strangest) Darkwing Duck villains ever - the F.O.W.L. neat freak, Ammonia Pine. Puns are awesome.

In this episode, the evil Ammonia Pine (who turned to evil after "an accident with an experimental bathroom disinfectant") is breaking into banks, literally cleaning out the vaults by removing the ink off the dollar bills. Oh, and not even 10 pages in, and she sucks the head of S.H.U.S.H., J. Gander Hooter, up into her vacuum. I love it.

This, of course, leaves Gryzlikoff in charge, annoying Darkwing to no end - especially when Gryzlikoff runs him through an insane amount of "training". Cue the hilarious sitcom-type humor!

This episode was also turned into a kid's storybook, which I also own... obviously. The book has the slightly, yet completely different title of "Clean Money". Freakin' genius.

You can download the PDF of the "Dirty Money" script HERE.

This episode is available on Vol. 1 of the Darkwing Duck DVDs, ooooorrrrrrrrr you can watch it below!

Enjoy!

The Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Collection (part 9 of 16)

Well, here we are at part 9 of the creeptastic Kenner Give-a-Show slide comics, and I don't know how much more of these crappy comics I can take, but hey, let's give it a shot.

Today's kooky knee-slapper features those cageless crows Heckle & Jeckle in the punariffic parable "Nothing to Crow About". Oh, fun.

As our story opens, we find our brainless bird buddies shooting a cannon straight up in the air (oh boy, here we go again…) "so no one gets hurt". Makes sense, I guess. PTHOOM!

KLONK! The cannonball has fallen from the sky and narrowly missed the dastardly dog pirate, whom I shall name Dogbeard. Huh. Guess it didn't make as much sense as I thought. Oh, well.

In the next panel, our fabulous fiend Dogbeard has tied up those foolhardy fowls, forcing them to walk the plank, and shakes his sword at them. Good riddance, I say.

SPLOOSH! Apparently Dogbeard and I are on the same page, as evidenced by his sentiment.

We are suddenly teleported to a desert island, where Dogbeard and his pirate pals are preparing to plunder some precious piratey prizes! (Um, I mean they're going to dig for treasure… duh)

As the red light of the sun beats upon their doggy back, HEAVE HO! WE'RE RICH! They have dug up a treasure chest! Don't get too much sweat on there, Dogbeard.

Oh me oh my, Heckle & Jeckle are in the treasure chest. Surprise, surprise, surprise.

Nope, didn't see that coming. I mean, really. Wow. I am shocked. I just don't know how this could have happened. My mind is blown. Just, wow.

/sarcasm

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The Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Collection (part 8 of 16)

We are officially halfway through my abnormal accumulation of Kenner Give-a-Show slide comics! Give yourself a high-five! Woo!

Today's comic features that looney Gooney Bird in the rhyming revelation "Rare Snare"!!

On another bright and pinkish day in the jungle, as an exclamation point erupts from his head, the Gooney Bird hears a van screaming for help! What could possibly be the matter?

Wait a gosh durn second! Theres a lion in that van! Oh my (insert preferred deity here)!!

In a fearless demonstration of fortitude, our hero the Gooney Bird soars in the air, and right down in front of the van! The plundering poachers are surprised to see our friend, and take chase. He's worth a bundle! (SCREE!)

They swerve through the palm trees, faster and faster, when, without warning, the van drops down into a gigantic, pink hole in a calamitous catastrophe!! (SKRUNCH!)

The Gooney Bird has won the fight! The lion is free! Our silly smugglers fell into their own trap!

And that, my friends, is the story of the Gooney Bird.

Now, pass in your Algebra homework.

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The Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Collection (part 7 of 16)

Today's crantabulous crapfest is part 7 in our confounded collection of the Kenner Give-a-Show comic slides!

This installment features that creepy but cuddly clown, Bozo the Clown, in the crazy conundrum, "Cool Idea". Oh yeah, this is going to be awesome.

In this week's fantastic fable, a little lion tamer looks on as the big burly leopard leotarded man calls on Bozo for help! The polar bear is loose!

Oh dear God, NO!

In the next panel, we see, what I assume is to be the aforementioned polar bear. He is apparently trying, and failing miserably, to hang himself from the rope of flags. (RIP)

Now, I don't know about you, but that has to be the most God-awfully ugly polar bear I have ever seen.

Next, our freakish friends (big burly leopard leotarded man, tiny top hat guy, and Bozo) huddle together, pondering how they are going to get that pesky polar bear back in his cage.

When suddenly -- BOZO'S GOT AN IDEA!!

Then, for some unknown reason, the polar bear rushes back into his cage, leaving big burly leopard leotarded man and tiny top hat guy gawking in amazement! (ZIP)

As question marks explode from their heads, the other three circus workers question the quirky harlequin on how he got the polar bear back in his cage.

He bribed him with a Strawberry ice cream ice-berg!

Oh my, that is funny.

I really am laughing here.

Oh dear, I've got the giggles.

And that's what we call "silly humor".

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The Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Collection (part 6 of 16)

We find ourselves here, in a familiar terrain. A place where dreams do come true, and even when they don't, at least they've got free pizza. If you didn't guess already, the place of which I'm referring to is the vault of the Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Collection! Woooo!

Tonight, we find ourselves in a high-flying tale of terrificness, starring the one and only Daffy Duck in "Imprudent Student". Brilliant.

Our story begins at Daffy's Flying School, where Daffy is taking Elmer Fudd on his first lesson. Considering Elmer could never figure out whether to shoot Daffy or Bugs, this is a gigantic step in their duck/man relationship.

When they get off the ground and into the wild pink yonder, Daffy begins explaining the 3 important rules of flying - "First, always keep your hands on the controls".

Of course, in true cartoony fashion, Elmer turns his head with not enough time to hear and respond the second rule of flying - "always watch where you're going".

Oh no! He's going down! (RRRRRRR)

Then, SCRONK! Uh oh. He didn't follow the third rule of flying - Never land in a tree.

And that's why you don't let off-model cartoon ducks open up flying schools.

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The Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Collection (part 5 of 16)

Now, back to your regularly scheduled program. That is, if your program includes another heart-wrenching installment of the Kenner Give-a-Show Slide collection! It does? Well then, you're in luck, because that is exactly why I'm here!

Today's cadaverous cartoon stars one of animation's most cherished characters, Bugs Bunny, in "Bugs Bunny Rides Again". Oh man, I'm excited. I mean, it's Bugs freakin' Bunny! He's hilarious. This HAS to be good… right?

In this tragic tale of terror, we find Yosemite Sam, looking a little redder than usual, racing through the desert on a tiny horse, ready for a showdown with that rabbit! You know, these slide comic cartoon characters really need to start wearing more sunscreen.

He arrives at the saloon, and finds his nemesis, Bugs Bunny! (dun dun dunnnnn… the plot thickens!) Apparently, Bugs has hit his head or eaten some bad carrots or something, because he obviously thinks Yosemite Sam's is a king, and calls him "sire".

Oh no! It's time for a showdown!

Well, Yosemite Sam decides it's time to make Bugs dance by shooting at his feet, which makes Bugs jump for joy as he challenges Sam to a dance-off. Ohhhhhhhhh snap!

Yosemite Sam accepts this challenge (as any gentleman should) and shuffles off!

But, while Bugs giggles with giddiness, Yosemite Sam dances himself away - right down a mine shaft in the middle of Main Street!! That bouncy Bugs Bunny has given him the slip once again!

Oh, Bugs! You rascally rabbit, you!

Stay tuned for Part 5 of The Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Collectionalicious! Woo!

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Record #1968 - The Story of Blackbeard's Ghost

In honor of (almost) Halloween, today's record is the (sort of) Halloween-related album -- The Story of Blackbeard's Ghost, featuring Peter Ustinov. HEY! There's a ghost! Ghost = Halloween. Deal with it, you batty beatniks!

The film, Blackbeard's Ghost is probably my favorite Disney movie. It's just another movie that I absolutely love, but can't explain exactly why. It's definitely got something to do with the oddness of Peter Ustinov though...

Blackbeard's Ghost is the story of Steve, played by Dean Jones, who moves to the small town of Godolphin to become the new track coach at the college. When he arrives, he stumbles upon a charity auction to save Blackbeard's Inn (where he is staying) from an evil casino owner (are all casino owners evil, or is that just in the movies?). He ends up winning an antique bed warmer in the auction, but when he gets up to his room, he accidentally sits on it, breaking it in half. Inside, he finds an old book of magic spells that used to belong to Blackbeard's wife. He reads one of the spells, unknowingly conjuring up Blackbeard himself, played perfectly by Peter Ustinov. Because of the spell, Steve and Blackbeard are now bonded by magic, and Blackbeard will remain in limbo (and with Steve) until he completes one good deed. All the while, Steve tries to bring his losing track team to the top, and win over a psychology professor played by Suzanne Pleshette. Hilarity ensues. No, really. It does! I'm really not kidding this time! I swear! WHY WON'T YOU BELIEVE ME?!?

This movie is just crazy fun. Blackbeard is basically one very big, drunk kid who has fun using his invisibility just to screw around with people and make Dean Jones go insane.

As with most older Disney movies, this one has a story album. Since they obviously didn't have the option of releasing a VHS tape or a DVD of their movies for home, they would release these story albums, usually with an accompanying book, to keep the films in the kids' heads until they were re-released in theaters after a few years.

The Story of Blackbeard's Ghost is different from all the rest, as this one is not just narrated by some nameless, faceless, freaky, generic-y voice-over guy -- this is narrated by Peter Ustinov in character as Blackbeard! It is a little odd to listen to at times, especially when they use sound clips from the actual movie, but hearing Peter Ustinov narrate in character as our drunken friend Blackbeard is surely entertaining enough to keep your interest through the whole story!

Now, this film is available on DVD, but I warn you, the transfer is the most horrifyingly hideous DVD transfer I have ever seen. It really looks like they transfered a copy of the film that someone had forgotten under their couch for 40 years. To top it all off, it's not even framed right, and there is even a part where a talking character's face is only half visible on the screen! Stupid crappiness of the DVDness.

Blackbeard always smiles

before he kills someone for releasing

a bad DVD of a great movie.

Hopefully, the atrociousness of the DVD won't keep you from enjoying this record of The Story of Blackbeard's Ghost! Have fun, and... Arrrr! (That's Piratespeak for "Enjoy!")

Download the record HERE.

Article #696 - The Phantom Mullet

Yeah, OK. So I'm lame. Didn't post in a couple weeks. Big whoop. I'm sorry. Geez. Get off my case already.

Anyways, this article is actually something that I created back in 10th grade art class. Our awesome art teacher who was a Norwegian Simon Pegg lookalike gave us the assignment of creating a piece that included the actual English word of what we were creating somewhere in the piece. Now, if I was a regular person, I would have chosen some sort of cheap way out, like "car", or "banana", or "government issue". But no, I chose "mullet". For reasons of cheap teenage tomfoolery, I chose to also include in his headband the logo of Five Iron Frenzy, the greatest ska band ever, whose beautiful ode to Rowsdower-esque hairstyles everywhere, "The Phantom Mullet" inspired this piece.

Apparently, my art teacher liked it, as he placed it on display in the hallway of the History Building for all to see, which, as you all know, is second only to getting your art displayed in your local grandmother's house.

Enjoy.