Today's script is from the classic two-part Quincy, M. E. episode "Slow Boat to Madness"!
Of course, as you all know (or should know) Quincy, M. E. stars the klug-man himself, Jack Klugman as a Los Angeles medical examiner who always gets involved in all sorts of crazy hijinks that he shouldn't be getting involved in.
This time, while on a cruise vacation in Tahiti, Quincy and his girlfriend get mixed up in a crazy situation -- someone is drugging passengers on the ship, making them go crazy and hallucinate. The drugs eventually kill the crazy hallucinating passengers, causing the rest of the people on the ship to go into a panic, afraid for their lives! Of course, Quincy being Quincy, feels the need to help and stop this crazy plot from going too far!
This is a fun two-parter with lots of action, and lots of cool late 70s/early 80s cruise ship stuff, which I LOVE... as evidenced by my earlier post of the Princess Cruise Adventure record.
One thing I really love about this episode is the ship's captain, played by character actor Ed Nelson, who is also in one of my top 5 favorite movies of all time -- Roger Corman's A Bucket of Blood. Also, he's the elusive Robert Denby, which immediately makes him the greatest human being to have ever lived.
Ed Nelson!
Oh, and you can watch A Bucket of Blood for free online, because it's in the Public Domain! Yipee!
Probably my favorite scene in this episode is in part two, when, during a screening of Phantom of the Opera, a passenger goes crazy! It's insane madness. I love it.
Oh, and the other thing I love about this episode is, after a costume party, Quincy has to seriously explain what's going on to the ship's doctor and the captain, and he is still in costume... as a jockey... with a tiny bowtie and everything.
Dr. Quincy -- Serious jockey dude
If you wanna see this episode, it's available on Netflix streaming... in HD! Jack Klugman in high definition. Nothing could be better.
Also, if you're looking for another episode of Quincy, M. E. to watch, you must must must must MUST watch what is probably the greatest episode of television ever -- "Next Stop Nowhere", where Quincy goes after punk rock. That episode guest stars Jan Levenson-Gould herself, Melora Hardin, as a teenage punk rocker. Gabba gabba hey!
You can download the Quincy, M. E. script to "Slow Boat to Madness" HERE.
In case you didn't know, there's this amazingly perfect horror film called Rosemary's Baby. It's pretty much the greatest horror movie ever made... well, you know, besides Wuhrwuhlf. Oh, and guess what? It was produced by William Castle, which immediately makes gives it a billion extra brownie points in my book.
It also was a part of THE GREATEST DOUBLE FEATURE OF ALL TIME! No, seriously. It was!
Anyways, I don't need to go into the perfectness and importance of Rosemary's Baby, since it's been well documented. What hasn't been well documented, though, is the unimportance and ridiculousness of its 1976 sequel.
Now if I know you (and I think I do), right now you're saying to yourself "THIS CAN'T BE... NO IT'S NOT TRUE... IT'S NOT REAL... IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!"
Well, I hate to break it to you, but yes, there is a sequel to Rosemary's Baby -- the Made-for-TV movie, Look What's Happened to Rosemary's Baby.
Oh yes. This thing really exists. And oh man, is it BAD. Well, maybe I'm being a little harsh on it. I guess it might have been OK-ish and just campy groovy 70s-ness if it had nothing to do with Rosemary's Baby, but the fact that this is supposed to be a continuation of the film, makes it so much worse than you can possibly imagine.
The UK VHS cover
There is at least one... okay, two redeeming factors of this movie. Those two redeeming factors are Ruth Gordon, reprising her Minnie role from the original film, and my favorite movie drunk, Ray Milland, taking over the Roman role for Sidney Blackmer... who wasn't alive anymore. Frowny face.
The film is split up into three parts, or books, or chapters, or whatever-you-wanna-call-em's -- The Book of Rosemary, The Book of Adrian, and The Book of Andrew.
The movie/first book begins right at the end of Rosemary's Baby, with Rosemary (played by Patty Duke) still freaking out about the whole baby being a Satan-baby and what not. She then kidnaps her son Adrian/Andrew away from the Satanic cult. At a bus stop, while Rosemary is on the phone with her husband Guy (George Maharis), Adrian/Andrew gets in a fight with a couple of kids and KILLS TWO OF THEM AND THEIR DOG. What a jerk. In this crazy opening, we also find out that Guy sold his son to the cult in exchange for fame and fortune in Hollywood.
Then, with the help of a Satanized prostitute named Marjean (Tina Louise), the cult catches up with her, and re-kidnaps Adrian/Andrew back from Rosemary, who is sent off in a demon-bus of some sort, driven by nobody to nowhere in particular... and she is never heard from again! In exchange for her taking care of Adrian/Andrew, the cult gives Marjean a crappy casino in the middle of nowhere.
In the second book/part, we see Adrian (played by Stephen McHattie) all grown up and living at the casino with Marjean. He also sings at the casino with his glitter/psychedelic rock band named Captain Nitro and His Acid Kings. Pure genius. Wish I had thought of that band name... dang it.
Adrian/Andrew also has a best friend/scapegoat named Peter, a self-proclaimed Jesus-Freak, who at every opportunity, tries to convert Adrian. Since the next day is Adrian's birthday, his "godparents" and all of their friends are coming to celebrate with him. His godparents, of course, being Minnie and Roman, the heads of the Satanic cult.
Because Adrian is a Satan-baby thing, he keeps having crazy nightmares, so Peter takes him to church, where he freaks out and speeds back to the casino in his Lamborghini, almost killing a bunch of bikers on the way. Back at the casino, his godparents are getting ready to do a seance/sacrifice thing with his father, Guy. To calm Adrian down, Roman offers him a joint.
No, really. He does.
So, after he smokes this joint, he immediately passes out, because that's what always happens when you smoke that Satanized weed. After he passes out, they paint his face like Marcel Marceau and do this crazy devil worship thing which then turns him into, as the script implies, an Alice Cooper-esque glam rocker.
Then, in a trance, he joins the band onstage flipping out and dancing like a madman. The whole band and audience now join Adrian in the trance. The movie then decides we need these nice close-up shots of the band like 7 or 8 times --
Beautiful.
Adrian's friend Peter notices things are going crazy, and tries to stop the band and Adrian by running up on stage and unplugging their instruments. Since the powers of Satan are strong, his Devil generator keeps them going, even with their amplifiers unplugged. FREAKY-DEAKY.
Guy doesn't like what he sees, so he runs out to his limo, but is followed by Peter who then tries to fight him and figure out what the heck is happening. Guy then picks up a downed power line and electrocutes Peter, and Adrian passes out.
PHEW!
That was a long book/chapter/whatever. Now I'd say it's time for a commercial break.
Now, back to our regularly scheduled program.
In our final chapter (THANK GOD), we find Andrew in a mental hospital for the criminally insane, with no memory of how he got there or what happened. We also find out that he has been committed there for murdering Peter. With the help of a caring nurse named Ellen (played by Donna Mills) and some weird therapy where they put wires on cotton balls into his forehead, he magically remembers what happened. He tells Ellen he needs to go find his father and she helps him escape!
Andrew and Ellen hide in a seedy motel, where they stay for the night before going to search for his dad, the real murderer. While hanging out in the room, Ellen gives Andrew a drink... and of course, it's been drugged. Yup. ELLEN IS ONE OF THEM. Like all evil geniuses, she then proceeds to explain what is going to happen -- she is going to have his Satan baby!! GAH!! Then she... well, you know. Ugh.
Eventually, he wakes up and stumbles out of the motel room towards the street. Ellen follows him out there, and Andrew's car starts driving by itself, trying to kill him! He jumps away, over cars and bushes and what-have-you. Then, out of nowhere, the car hits Ellen! The car crashes, and the cops come. Andrew tries to show them that there's nobody in the car, but when they open the door, it's (DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN) GUY!! AND HE'S DEAD!! Andrew is then hauled away by the cops, thinking he's on something.
The film then fades into a doctor's office, where Roman and Minnie find out that their "granddaughter" and her baby are going to be just fine. The camera pans over and... BOOM! It's Ellen, she's still alive, and she's still having that Beelzebaby!!
FADE OUT.
THE END.
But don't change the channel just yet! Over the credits they show pictures of a woman giving birth and when credits end, there is a shot of a crying infant!
THE END.
REALLY.
Spooky, huh?
No, not at all. This thing is just sad. The movie is nowhere near the masterpiece that Rosemary's Baby is. In my opinion, this movie should've just been called Return of the Devil Child or Psychedelic Satan Baby or something. If they just got rid of all the Rosemary stuff, this would be a tolerable, crappy 1970s made-for-TV movie. The Rosemary stuff just brings this thing down. The entire time, you're waiting for some classic creepiness from Minnie and Roman or the claustrophobic feeling of the original film or even the feeling of disorientation, but nope... even with all the hand-held camera stuff, none of what made Rosemary's Baby so great is there.
The screenplay for this movie was written by a guy named Anthony Wilson who, in his spare time, created Banacek! AWESOME.
The film was directed by a guy named Sam O'Steen, who was better known as an editor. In fact, he edited the original Rosemary's Baby, as well as other classics like The Day of the Dolphin, Chinatown, Cool Hand Luke, Catch-22, and The Graduate! Woah!
The script here is pretty similar to the actual movie, with only a few lines and scenes missing, including a bunch of scenes at a Tokyo airport, and a scene of Ellen and Andrew searching Hollywood Blvd for his dad. There also this really really creepy cut line that kind of foreshadows a terrible real-life situation that involved Roman Polanski, the director of the original Rosemary's Baby --
SUPER CREEPY!!!!!!!!
Since you can't find this weird movie on DVD anywhere (and I'm sure it won't be included with the Criterion Collection release of the original film) you can watch this insane Made-for-TV movie here --
And you can download the .PDF of the Look What's Happened to Rosemary's Baby script HERE!!
So, in 1971 there was this movie called A New Leaf. It's one of the best comedies of all time, but almost nobody has seen it, because... well, I'm not sure. It is insanely hilarious.
It's the story of a rich guy played by Walter Matthau who runs through his entire inheritance and decides to go against his better judgement (and perhaps attraction) and find a rich woman to marry... and kill. He eventually finds and marries the extremely annoying (but insanely rich) Henrietta, who's played by the writer and director Elaine May.
This is by far, Walter Matthau's greatest role. He plays the stuck up rich snob role perfectly. His total annoyance with everything, but mostly with Elaine May's hilariously annoying character, is brilliantly performed.
To me, this is a perfect film.
Unfortunately, almost nobody knows about this classic. The film was taken away from Elaine May during post-production and more than an hour of the film was cut, including an entire subplot with a blackmailer. And just like Elaine May's other films, The Heartbreak Kid and Ishtar (yes, really), it's been sadly under-seen and underrated by the majority. But, hopefully that'll change soon, when it's finally released on DVD and Blu-Ray... thanks again to the gods at Olive Films.
Since it's finally being released on a digital format, I hereby present to you the awesome original lobby cards from this amazing movie. Enjoy!
Today's super insanely radical magnificentness is the script for the "Sound of Terror" episode of the short-lived TV series Beyond Westworld!!
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Hey, Jeremy. There's no TV show called Beyond Westworld! Would they really make a TV show based off the Westworld and Futureworld movies? No! That's crazy! YOU'RE CRAZY! STOP TORTURING ME WITH OBSCURE CRAP!"
Well, I hate to break it to you, but yes, they did make a TV series based off the Westworld/Futureworld movies... and it was awesome!
Okay, so it wasn't that cool. But still! A Westworld TV series? I'd watch it. And I have, thanks to the healing power of bootleg DVDs. It's an odd little obscurity with a premise that really forces you to suspend disbelief to the extreme.
In the show, a mad doctor named Simon Quaid (who used to work for the Delos parks) has created and programmed a bunch of androids to integrate into society as humans and do his bidding to help him in his mission to conquer the world! Yeesh... why can't mad doctors ever use their powers for good?
Anyways, there's these spies, John Moore and Pamela Williams, and their mission is to find these androids and destroy them! Cool, huh?
Obviously the show didn't last too long. Actually, they only produced 5 episodes and 2 of them never aired in the US. The premise for the show is pretty fun, but it really has nothing to do with the Westworld series of films, except for the name "Delos" and the crazy, murderous robots.
It's too bad the show didn't have too much to do with the films, though. I think that Westworld is one of the most fun and interesting Sci-Fi movies ever made, and it's one of my all-time favorites. Unlike most people, I really like the sequel Futureworld, too. But then again, I'm weird. Also, I will watch, and inevitably fall in love with anything starring Peter Fonda and/or Stuart Margolin.
Now... back to the show!
So the script we have here is from the final aired episode -- "Sound of Terror". In this episode, the evil Simon Quaid steals some Uranium from a nuclear power plant with the help of an android member of the rock group Power and Ruth to sell to a terrorist named Hakim Fadar, so John and Pamela follow the band around and thwart Quaid's plan of world domination! Super groovy.
Check out the episode preview (and title sequence) below!
I really enjoy the writing in this script, especially the description of the band, which dresses them up like some weird mixture of Jefferson Airplane and The Village People.
Man, I just love reading about shaking butts...
I especially love the dialogue that's given to the members of the band, which is very similar to a lot of the corny 70s and 80s After-School Special stuff. It doesn't make them cool, it just makes them sound like your regular old rockstar stereotype, saying all sorts of random colloquialisms that NOBODY SAYS. Well, that is unless real, actual people in the 70s called their name their "handle" and talked about getting their "kicks" a lot.
The episode ends just like your basic 70s/80s TV series with the one thing about television that will never, ever get old -- The FREEZE FRAME! God, I love those.
I think it's a pretty fun episode with lots of music and action and spying, but it apparently wasn't fun or action-packed or spy-ful enough for everyone else, since the show was cancelled after this episode aired.
The show hasn't really been seen too much since it was cancelled (except for bootlegs), but apparently that will change in the near-ish future, since the geniuses at the Warner Archive say their going to release it on DVD! Then you can buy the DVD and watch it and read the script at the same time! Hooray for multitasking!
You can download the Beyond Westworld "Sound of Terror" teleplay HERE.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end... this is the end of the Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Comics.
We've been through a lot together, and I don't know about you, but I've learned a lot. I've learned that 2 seconds of chicken screams are perfect nightmare fuel. I've learned how to cheat at basketball. I've learned that puppies are perfect tools for closing overstuffed suitcases. I've learned that finding oil is "durned bad luck". Most importantly though, I've learned what to say when I'm stuck in the car wash and having a psychotic episode/stroke.
Today, though, the learning ends. And what better way to close out this collegiate experience than with a Wacky Races slide comic?
THERE IS NO BETTER WAY.
So, it comes to this. Our final Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Comic is from the files of Wacky Races and is entitled "Bridge Out".
In the first panel we see our old psychotic friend Penelope Pitstop, the evil Dick Dastardly, and those spooky Munster-like people coming to a closed road because of a downed bridge. They seem very disappointed about this as evidenced by their exclamation of "WELL THAT ENDS THE RACE".
That one Munster-y/Addams Familyish guy wants to know where could they "SCARE UP A BRIDGE".
HA. I get it.
Then, some Paul Bunyan guy in a wooden car with his pet Beaver come plowing through shouting through his teeth...
"MAKE WAY FOR THE BUZZ WAGON"
Paul Bunyan then plows through a bunch of green pine trees (and one blue one), knocking them over, and chopping them up, destroying entire ecosystems in a few short blows.
Apparently he seems to have constructed a bridge out of trees that used to be bird and chipmunk houses, and some professor in his (or her) helicopter car thingy takes it away.
The ever-smiling Paul Bunyany man and his Beaver are left behind to "CATCH UP" as everybody else Wacky Races along across the freshly laid bridge.
Aaaaaaand scene. Bow, hold for applause.
Thank you, and good night.
And good riddance to you stupid, dumb, evil, Satanic, poopy, and just plain idiotic Kenner Give-a-Show Slide Comics!!
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Today's record is the soundtrack from the classic 1972 film The Heartbreak Kid, starring Charles Grodin, written by Neil Simon, and directed by comedy genius Elaine May.
Unlike the terrible remake that shall not be discussed, Elaine May's The Heartbreak Kid is a really great film. It's one of my favorite comedies of all time. If I had to describe it with one phrase, I'd call it "the anti-romantic comedy".
The Heartbreak Kid is the story of Lenny, a young guy who, while on his honeymoon in Miami Beach, meets a new woman named Kelly. While his wife Lila is stuck in the hotel room with an insane sunburn, he spends all his time hanging out with Kelly, realizing he wants to be with her. He eventually decides to break it off with Lila and follow Kelly back to her home, and all the while, her no-nonsense father does everything in his power to destroy the ill-fated relationship.
One thing that makes The Heartbreak Kid so great is the fact that Elaine May is a master of directing awkward situations, and this film is chock full of awkwardtoscity. Every single moment in the film is great, but by far the best parts are the insanely uncomfortable interactions between Charles Grodin and Eddie Albert's characters -- just check out the trailer!
The soundtrack for the film is a prime example of classic 70s (and 60s) background music. It's very lounge-y and definitely blends into the background of any cocktail party.
So here's what you should do -- you should gather a bunch of friends, grow some super groovy Grodin sideburns, get a bunch of martinis, and put this soundtrack on in the background while asking each other intense Trivial Pursuit questions about Russian Communist propaganda films.
That'll be fun!
Download the soundtrack to The Heartbreak Kid HERE!
We are ONE comic away from being done with these things, so be excited.
DO IT.
BE EXCITED, DANG IT!!
Okay, well since you're obviously not going to be excited we'll just get on with the program.
Today's fantastical comic stars the Wacky Racer Penelope Pitstop in the sad story "Soggy Setback".
So, Penelope and those 3 little tiny mobster guys are driving along and decide to stop at some random car wash in the middle of nowhere.
Hmm… seems legit.
As soon as they drive in, some weird purple guy wearing a mask and purple cape and hat slams the door, locking them in!
He turns on the faucet and laughs very Nelson-ish.
"GOODBYE, PESTS! HAW HAW!"
In the next panel, we see the four roadsters up to their legs in water.
Now here's where the story gets weird.
As the water is filling up the car wash, Penelope goes hysterical and says 5 words that make NO SENSE AT ALL --
"QUICK POCKETS CHUGGABOOMS
UNDERWATER ATTACHMENT"
WHAT THE HECK IS THAT!?! Did she have a stroke?!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN AS CONFUSED AS I AM RIGHT NOW.
Oh God, I don't even know if I can finish this...
I just have so many questions…
Okay, okay. I can do this. I can do this. Breathe, Jeremy. Breathe.
*Phew*
Well, after having some sort of demon possessed moment, Penelope hits the gas and KRAKs right through the door and over the weird purple guy.
As Penelope and the three mobster dudes drive away, the weird purple guy sits there and laments that "THE CLAW'S PLAN IS ALL WASHED UP!". Oh. I guess the weird purple guy's name is THE CLAW. Just erase the name "weird purple guy" up there and replace it with THE CLAW. That'll work. I'm too lazy to fix it. Blah.
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Now, pass the Excedrin. My brain hurts. And I'm sure Penelope's does too.
Since this is my 50th post, I'm feeling kind of lazy, so I'm going to do the bare minimum.
Hold onto your hats.
This is a comic. It has Mighty Mouse. It is called "Magnetic Personality". Oh, the fun.
Some mice are going to a picnic in a helicopter. Why? I don't know, and frankly, I don't want to know.
Some cat has a magnet and talks to himself.
Lightningy magnetism strikes the helicopter.
HUMMMMM
The cat uses the magnet to make the helicopter "COME TO PAPA".
I don't know how he knows evil is happening, but out of the blue (well, actually out of the green) Mighty Mouse comes to save the day by SNATCHing the magnet from the cat.
The cat runs away and then WHOOSH, Mighty Mouse throws the magnet at the cat.
The magnet knocks the cat on the ground and pins him to the ground while stars and what appears to be a sparkler bounce on his brain barrier (his head).
The end.
Now, let's all join in a silent prayer to thank the sweet Lloyd that there are only 2 more of these crapfests left.
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Okay. Here we go again. SLIDE COMICS. Oh come on, you know you love it.
Today's Give-a-Show stars those crazy carnivores Motormouse & Autocat in the profound potboiler "Oops!"
Autocat's NEW RADAR SUCTION HARPOOON IS READY! Yes! Finally! I mean, the 1970 model was great, but dang, this 1971 model sure is far out!
BEEP
Motormouse speeds on by on some sort of motorbikecycle!
ZZZT!
Then, Autocat who kind of resembles Heathcliff, sets his suction harpoon to retrieve anything on a motorcycle. YES! Finally, some action in these things.
KaBLOOEY
The suction harpoon explodes and flies across apartment buildings… and my favorite restaurant -- EAT!!
Looks like Autocat's caught something! He reeeeeeeels it in!
CRANK CRANK
"Oops!".
HEY!! THAT'S WHERE THE TITLE CAME FROM!! NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE!! (No it doesn't)
BEEP (again)
Oh, hilarity ensued and Autocat has harpooned a police bike. HA.
As Autocat is hauled away to jail in a paddywagon, Motormouse ZOW's by just to taunt him.
So as we all can see, the exploits of Motormouse & Autocat are just a step below (or above, your pick) Tom & Jerry.
Once again, we come back to the Kenner Give-a-Show slide comics. I'm starting to feel like I don't even need to preface these things anymore. I mean, they are all absolutely horrid, I'm just wasting my time trying to hype these up. Well, here we go...
Today's comic features the fantastical, magical, super crantabulous Cattanooga Cats in the criminially crappy chronicle, "Case Closed".
In the first panel, we see four animals, which I assume to be the titular Cattanooga Cats in some sort of red room with blue floor. The one with the green hat is reading some sort of telegram or letter or secret self-destructing note that indicates that "THEY" want them to play in "THE CITY".
I don't know who "THEY" are, or what "CITY" they are talking about, and frankly I don't care.
Next, we find them packing their suitcases with vigor. I don't know about you, but when I pack for a trip, I usually don't throw my polka-dot pants in the air and expect them to magically find their way to my suitcase, but maybe that's just me.
In our next panel, an exclamation point haunts the head of the green cat with yellow ears and red ascot (just like Freddy from Scooby-Doo!) while the overstuffed suitcase glows with the glow of a thousand suns.
"LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR PUPPY."
I totally agree.
As evidenced by the question marks hovering around her skull, the girly cat-like thing is confused to "HOW CAN PUPPY HELP?".
COMPITTY CLOMP KLOMP
What I assume to be the aforementioned "PUPPY", comes bolting along.
SKLONCH
The big, fat, blueish, greenish thing pounces on the suitcase, making it visibly fart.
"THANKS PUPPY!"
In the end, the Cattanooga Cats suitcase has been tightened shut, and all is well in all of kitty cat creation.
And so the gang is off on their 7 month tour of "THE CITY", leaving their puppyish thing to fend for himself.
How heartwarming.
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Ahhhhh yes… the Kenner Give-a-Show slide comics. You can't escape it. Search your feelings, you know it to be true!
I... don't know why I just said that.
Well anyways, here we go again.
Today's comic features that pathetic puddy-tat Sylvester and his evil nemesis, Tweety! Oh, goody.
For some reason, Sylvester and Tweety, who are both well-known domesticated house pets, are entwined in some sort of chase in the forest. THE FOREST. Yeesh... the factual inaccuracies in these comics are becoming more and more obvious.
"I TAWT I TAW A PUDDY TAT!"
Yeah… Well, duh.
HEH HEH
ZOW (hey, that's a new one!) - Sylvester continues to chase Tweety until…
ZIP - Tweety swoops down and into a hollow log. Oh, great. I've seen enough silent movies to know where this is going.
Sylvester chases Tweety into the hollow log, as a butterfly flies around his butt for some unknown reason.
Suddenly, Tweety pops out from a tiny hole in the log, giving a fond farewell to the "puddy". HA! I KNEW IT!
CRUNCK KRASH CRUNK - Out of nowhere, this log decides to roll down the orangey/reddish ground towards a lake or a river or a stream or some sort of body of water.
A fjord? Yeah. I'm gonna say it's a fjord.
In the end, we see Sylvester now frantically floating down this fjord on the hollow log, whilst Tweety taunts him, like the little twerp he is.
THE END.
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Man, I just love reading about shaking butts...
