Quincy, M.E. "Slow Boat to Madness" Script

Today's script is from the classic two-part Quincy, M. E. episode "Slow Boat to Madness"!

Of course, as you all know (or should know) Quincy, M. E. stars the klug-man himself, Jack Klugman as a Los Angeles medical examiner who always gets involved in all sorts of crazy hijinks that he shouldn't be getting involved in.

This time, while on a cruise vacation in Tahiti, Quincy and his girlfriend get mixed up in a crazy situation -- someone is drugging passengers on the ship, making them go crazy and hallucinate. The drugs eventually kill the crazy hallucinating passengers, causing the rest of the people on the ship to go into a panic, afraid for their lives! Of course, Quincy being Quincy, feels the need to help and stop this crazy plot from going too far!

This is a fun two-parter with lots of action, and lots of cool late 70s/early 80s cruise ship stuff, which I LOVE... as evidenced by my earlier post of the Princess Cruise Adventure record.

One thing I really love about this episode is the ship's captain, played by character actor Ed Nelson, who is also in one of my top 5 favorite movies of all time -- Roger Corman's A Bucket of Blood. Also, he's the elusive Robert Denby, which immediately makes him the greatest human being to have ever lived.

Ed Nelson!

Oh, and you can watch A Bucket of Blood for free online, because it's in the Public Domain! Yipee!

Probably my favorite scene in this episode is in part two, when, during a screening of Phantom of the Opera, a passenger goes crazy! It's insane madness. I love it.

Oh, and the other thing I love about this episode is, after a costume party, Quincy has to seriously explain what's going on to the ship's doctor and the captain, and he is still in costume... as a jockey... with a tiny bowtie and everything.

Dr. Quincy -- Serious jockey dude

If you wanna see this episode, it's available on Netflix streaming... in HD! Jack Klugman in high definition. Nothing could be better.

Also, if you're looking for another episode of Quincy, M. E. to watch, you must must must must MUST watch what is probably the greatest episode of television ever -- "Next Stop Nowhere", where Quincy goes after punk rock. That episode guest stars Jan Levenson-Gould herself, Melora Hardin, as a teenage punk rocker. Gabba gabba hey!

You can download the Quincy, M. E. script to "Slow Boat to Madness" HERE.

Turn-On: Episode #1003 Script

Well, boy howdy. Today's item it something that is unimaginably ridiculous and extremely rare. It is the script from the nonexistent third episode of the unclassic 1969 sketch comedy show Turn-On, featuring guest star Sebastian Cabot!

For some reason, George Schlatter, the guy who produced Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (which was actually funny and smart) decided to make a new show where the premise is that a computer chooses what weird ass political comedy is going to be thrust into your face on your television.

Cool, huh?

Well, not really. It didn't really go as planned. Depending on who you believe, the show was either cancelled after the first episode, or as Tim Conway says, halfway through the airing of the first episode. I choose to believe Tim Conway. He is Dorf, after all.

Interestingly enough, Albert Brooks was on the writing staff of this show. Now, look, I LOVE Albert Brooks. I think Real Life and Modern Romance are two of the funniest movies ever, but this show is just BLECH. Sorry, Al.

RANDOM TRIVIA: Apparently, since the show got cancelled, the second episode's airing (which guest starred Robert Culp) was preempted with an airing of the film The Oscar, which is one of my favorite campy 1960s movies. Groovy.

Supposedly the comedy was too provocative for its time. Or it just sucked. Here, judge for yourself from some clips from the unaired second episode.

Yeah. Weird.

The thing that I can't understand about this show is why it has to be a semi-clone of the infinitely better Laugh-In. The show moves from one sketch to the other at the speed of light, and the "jokes" in this show are either weird sight gags or nonsensical one-liners that required a set up not short enough to fit on a popsicle stick.

Take for example, this one --

HA! OH MY GOD! THAT IS SO SUBVERSIVE!

(Not really.)

Maybe I'm just too young or stupid or something, but I just don't find that funny at all. Maybe it's just really not funny. I don't know. I'm no comedy expert... although I pretend to be.

I also can't help but hear this sound whenever I read the punchline of all these jokes. That may be throwing me off.

The best thing about this script is the inclusion of some storyboard and concept art doodles for the episode, even though they aren't all that funny either... with the exception of this one --

Boob jokes are always hilarious, even if they make no sense with absolutely no context whatsoever.

If you wanna know more about this strange show, you should check out this interview with George Schlatter about Turn-On, or if you live in Los Angeles, go to the Paley Center for Media where you can watch the first episode in their library... which I've yet to do. You can also check out the Wikipedia page for a description of some skits from the first episode.

So, check out this rare oddity that you probably can't find anywhere else, and pray that maybe one day the two filmed episodes will be released on DVD for posterity... or for some other reason.

Download the Turn-On script for episode #1003 HERE.

Beyond Westworld "Sound of Terror" Teleplay

Today's super insanely radical magnificentness is the script for the "Sound of Terror" episode of the short-lived TV series Beyond Westworld!!

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Hey, Jeremy. There's no TV show called Beyond Westworld! Would they really make a TV show based off the Westworld and Futureworld movies? No! That's crazy! YOU'RE CRAZY! STOP TORTURING ME WITH OBSCURE CRAP!"

Well, I hate to break it to you, but yes, they did make a TV series based off the Westworld/Futureworld movies... and it was awesome!

Okay, so it wasn't that cool. But still! A Westworld TV series? I'd watch it. And I have, thanks to the healing power of bootleg DVDs. It's an odd little obscurity with a premise that really forces you to suspend disbelief to the extreme.

In the show, a mad doctor named Simon Quaid (who used to work for the Delos parks) has created and programmed a bunch of androids to integrate into society as humans and do his bidding to help him in his mission to conquer the world! Yeesh... why can't mad doctors ever use their powers for good?

Anyways, there's these spies, John Moore and Pamela Williams, and their mission is to find these androids and destroy them! Cool, huh?

Obviously the show didn't last too long. Actually, they only produced 5 episodes and 2 of them never aired in the US. The premise for the show is pretty fun, but it really has nothing to do with the Westworld series of films, except for the name "Delos" and the crazy, murderous robots. 

It's too bad the show didn't have too much to do with the films, though. I think that Westworld is one of the most fun and interesting Sci-Fi movies ever made, and it's one of my all-time favorites. Unlike most people, I really like the sequel Futureworld, too. But then again, I'm weird. Also, I will watch, and inevitably fall in love with anything starring Peter Fonda and/or Stuart Margolin.

Now... back to the show! 

So the script we have here is from the final aired episode -- "Sound of Terror". In this episode, the evil Simon Quaid steals some Uranium from a nuclear power plant with the help of an android member of the rock group Power and Ruth to sell to a terrorist named Hakim Fadar, so John and Pamela follow the band around and thwart Quaid's plan of world domination! Super groovy. 

Check out the episode preview (and title sequence) below!

  

I really enjoy the writing in this script, especially the description of the band, which dresses them up like some weird mixture of Jefferson Airplane and The Village People.

 Man, I just love reading about shaking butts...

I especially love the dialogue that's given to the members of the band, which is very similar to a lot of the corny 70s and 80s After-School Special stuff. It doesn't make them cool, it just makes them sound like your regular old rockstar stereotype, saying all sorts of random colloquialisms that NOBODY SAYS. Well, that is unless real, actual people in the 70s called their name their "handle" and talked about getting their "kicks" a lot.

The episode ends just like your basic 70s/80s TV series with the one thing about television that  will never, ever get old -- The FREEZE FRAME! God, I love those.

I think it's a pretty fun episode with lots of music and action and spying, but it apparently wasn't fun or action-packed or spy-ful enough for everyone else, since the show was cancelled after this episode aired.

The show hasn't really been seen too much since it was cancelled (except for bootlegs), but apparently that will change in the near-ish future, since the geniuses at the Warner Archive say their going to release it on DVD! Then you can buy the DVD and watch it and read the script at the same time! Hooray for multitasking!

You can download the Beyond Westworld "Sound of Terror" teleplay HERE.

Bombs Away!

Article #32127 - The Darkwing Duck Scripts (Part 4 of 4)

Well, here we are at the end of the Darkwing Duck script collection. Lucky for you, though, we have barely even scratched the surface of my Darkwing Duck collection! Oh yes.

Today's script is for one of the best episodes of the entire series, "The Darkwing Squad". In this episode, J. Gander Hooter decides that Darkwing needs to train S.H.U.S.H.'s best (aka nerdiest) agents to be more like the daringly dashing Darkwing. Of course, Gryzlikoff hates this idea, but if we let him be the boss of this whole operation, then we wouldn't have this episode, which would lead to not having this script, which would lead to not having this blog entry!

*GASP*

Thank God Gryzlikoff isn't in charge.

For the rest of the episode, while Darkwing trains the bumbling agents, the evil supervillian Steelbeak takes advantage of Gryzlikoff's anger at the situation to recruit him to F.O.W.L. for his prolific plot against humanity! Of course, then it's The Darkwing Squad to the rescue!

Oh, by the way, The Darkwing Squad contains Darkwing Donkey, Darkwing Dog, Darkwing Deer, and Darkwing Dodo.

Woo hoo!

Wait… that's DuckTales… Uh, LET'S GET DANGEROUS!!

Yeah, that's right.

Unfortunately, unlike Dirty Money, this script doesn't have a storybook based on it. Sadness. But, fortunately for us all, the episode is available on the second volume of Darkwing Duck DVDs. YIPEE!

Orrrrr you can watch it below!

Download the script for "The Darkwing Squad" HERE.

Enjoy!

Record #57 - Zingers from the Hollywood Squares

There's no real way to describe Zingers from the Hollywood Squares. Just as the title says, it includes actual zingers from the Hollywood Squares TV show. You know, back in the early 1970s it was a novel idea to name an album, and then fill it with content that actually matches the title. It was a brilliant concept.

This album is pretty dang funny, and why shouldn't it be? Look at all the hilarious people that are on this thing!

You've got Paul Lynde (of course), Don Knotts, Dom Deluise, Sally Fields, Buddy Hackett, Mel Brooks, Rose Marie, Don Rickles, Harvey Korman, Vincent Price, Suzanne Pleshette, Burt Reynolds, and of course, Charo.

And what would a 1970s TV show be without Charo? Nothing, that's what!

Instead of watching the "New" Hollywood Squares (ugh), enjoy this audio recording of actual funny people doing what they do best (which is be funny, just in case you didn't know).

Download the album HERE.

Aaaaaannnnd, last but not least, check out this hilarious video of Paul Lynde doing the local weather in Toledo, Ohio!

Enjoy!

And don't forget, every time you order a McRib, a demon gets its horns.

Book #1129 - The TV Facts Magazine

Today we've got an awesome TV Facts magazine from the week of November 29-December 5, 1981.

Yes, of course it's got Loni Anderson on the cover! Why wouldn't it?!

By far, my favorite thing about magazines from the past, are the advertisements. Like this one - an ad featuring EVA GABOR WIGS. God, I love wigs.

You know, every time I pick up an old magazine, I get annoyed with all the stuff that I missed.

Especially this one called Disneylandia. Apparently, it's an episode of the awesome Disneyland or Wonderful World of Color shows, in Spanish.

Now, knowing me, I'd totally be switching the channels during the Disneylandia commercials to try to multi-watch Happy Days Again, Laverne and Shirley and Friends, Hogan's Heroes, Tic Tac Dough, Match Game, and The Muppet Show. It'd be a tiring hour of television, but I think I could do it. And oh, how happy I would be!

Of course, we can't forget those late night movies. God, there are so many great movie listings in here, but one stands above the rest…

Yes! The epic Don Knotts and Tim Conway movie, "Private Eyes"!! Why can't TV be this awesome now? Sigh…

Well, if you're wondering where you can pick up a copy, well…

…or you can just download this awesome time capsule of television HERE.

Enjoy!