Record #81 - Shirley, Squirrely & Melvin: "LIVE"

What would life be without crappy ripoffs of crappy novelty groups? 

Nothing, thats what. And, well, today's record is one of those.

Today's record is a ridiculous ripoff of the already tremendously terrible Alvin & the Chipmunks, by the group Shirley, Squirrely & Melvin and their album "LIVE", although I highly doubt that it's an actual "LIVE" recording.

I wonder if the people who made this really thought they'd get away with such a blatant ripoff. Dave Seville should sue these guys.

Alright, so yeah. Those Alvin & the Chipmunks people were making a lot of money off of albums like Chipmunk Punk and the like, so a bunch of people started making these weird "high-pitched animals singing pop songs" records. I guess these people didn't think twice about the inevitable comparisons between squirrels and chipmunks.

Even the Simpsons made fun of this whole "Rodent Invasion".

Hey, look! Spinal Tap!

Anywhoo, let's talk about this album. 

It really spoke to me.

It told me "WE CAN MAKE YOU HATE A BUDDY HOLLY SONG".

On that note, let's begin our track by track journey through this mess and try to make some sense out of this ridiculousness.

1) Introduction - Fake crowd noises and someone saying the group's name. So far this is my favorite track on the album.

2) Back in the USA - Our first real song is a Chuck Berry song. One of these squirrels implores us to "COME ON AND CLAP YOUR HANDS". Sorry, but no. I refuse to put my hands together to make such a noise.

3) It's So Easy - Ah, the aforementioned Buddy Holly song. This just makes me sad. If they really wanted to do "ONE FOR BUDDAY!", then they should have done him the favor of leaving it alone. Now whenever I hear the supremely superior original version, this crappy one will pop into my head. Ugh. Don't listen to this version unless you want your heart to cry.

4) The Gambler (feat. Denny Richards) - Okay, this one is just ludicrous. LUDICROUS, I SAY! This cover of the classic song features the alternate Hell-on-Earth-Universe version of Kenny Rogers -- Denny Richards. Now, are they REALLY trying to make us think that Denny Richards is a real person? I'm not convinced. Also, should squirrels be singing songs about drinking and gambling? Can these squirrels even wrap their tiny little brains around the importance of this song? Am I looking too much into this?

5) Mercedes Benz - This is a Janis Joplin song. It is an a capella song. Now, I don't really like Janis Joplin all that much, but still. Come on. These people are on a mission to ruin every single song from the past 60 years with high-pitched squirrels, and by golly, they're gonna do it.

6) Boulevard - Okay, here's a Jackson Browne song. I hate it. You hate it. We all hate it. Let's all hate it some more by making squirrels sing it. Whee!

7) Soul Man - This song makes me wish I didn't have a soul.

8) Blue Suede Shoes - Why? Because Elvis sounds SO MUCH BETTER when you up the pitch 3 and a half notches.

9) I Like Reggae Too - Ugh. I don't. 

10) Get Back - Oh yeah. Because we haven't ruined everything good in the world yet, let's ruin the Beatles. Yippee!

11) Love Lives On - Finally. The end. And, unsurprisingly, another crappy crappiness of craptoscity. Almost as bad as Ron Cey.

Thanks a lot, Canada, for ruining everything good in music. Again. Was ANVIL not enough!?

I'm kidding, of course. Anvil rules.

Shirley, Squirrely & Melvin on the other hand... Blech.

Download this idiocy HERE.

Record #1977 - This is Your... Princess Adventure

Today's record is the perfectly splendiferous, This is Your...Princess Adventure. Unfortunately, this record isn't about another treacherous trip with Cinderella, gosh darn it. It's almost better though, because, as you can plainly see, this is a document of YOUR Princess Cruise Adventure! Hey! Cruises are awesome! They're like a big floating buffet!

There is no doubt that you partook in the all of the activities offered to you by the cruise line - the casino, the lounge singers, jackpot Bingo, dance lessons, London pub night, the midnight buffet, the nightlife entertainment, the captain's cocktail party, and most importantly, skeet shooting!

Now, I've been on 3 cruises, but not ONE of them has given me the option of shooting things that are catapulted off the ship. The only activities I've been offered are shuffleboard and ping pong. I demand more guns!!

Anyways, this record is tons of fun, and it features a bunch of the strange and bizarre second-rate cruise entertainment. From my personal experience, ALL Cruise entertainment is super weird, yet delightfully fun! For example, the last time I was on a cruise there was a mariachi band playing Katy Perry songs. That's why you pay the big bucks for these fancy cruises.

As it says on the cover, this is a souvenir "LIVE" recording of your entire Princess Cruise! I'd really love to know why the word "LIVE" is in quotation marks. It says on the back that it is "actually recorded live onboard". So… is it really live, or is it just "LIVE"? Hey Princess Cruises, I NEED to know.

And, just as it's described, this deep and moving album truly is the perfect recording to share your Princess Cruise adventure with your loved ones at home. Now, find your muster station, sit back, relax, put this album on the phonograph, and enjoy vacationing vicariously through other people's 1977 Princess Adventure!

Download your very own Princess Cruise HERE.

Record #93 - The Super Mario Bros. The Movie Dinosaur 12" Record

I've got too many weird/random records, but this one takes the cake.

I have a theory that all record stores have a "Less Than $5" section just to entice me and make me spend even more money that I don't have on records that have no particular use whatsoever.

Oh well.

So, this is the "Walk the Dinosaur" single from the film epic Super Mario Bros.: The Movie, officially one of the worst movies of all time. Of course, like all movies of the early 1990's, the soundtrack includes a song by the Divynls, Joe Satriani, and Marky Mark. But of course, the one stand-out track was the only song ever recorded by The Goombas and George Clinton - a cover of the Was (Not Was) song, "Walk the Dinosaur".

I never liked the song. Ugh. "Open the door, get on the floor, everybody walk the dinosaur". Yeah, sure.

For no reason whatsoever, Columbia Records decided that this lovely song deserved a single release, on a Dinosaur shaped 12" record. And here it is.

Obviously, the best thing about this record is that it's shaped like a dinosaur. That's it. The song sucks, and the fact that there's a remix edit on the B-Side makes it suck even more.

Unsurprisingly, this thing is super hard to find. In fact, I couldn't find reference to it anywhere on the internet.

If you so desire, you can download it HERE.

Enjoy, I guess.