Rip Taylor's Dramatic Reel

No, I'm not kidding. This thing is real. My awesome boss, Phillip, at the greatest video store in the universe, CineFile Video, discovered this amazing VHS. And boy oh boy, do I thank him for it.

So, apparently after appearing in such dramatic masterpieces as Indecent Proposal and Wayne's World 2, Rip Taylor decided he wanted to be the next Rip Torn and become a dramatic Oscar® caliber actor. And of course, to show off his acting chops, they cut together this videotape compilation of his best dramatic work.

Weirdly enough, this tape starts with Rip in a Dr. Pepper commercial, where he screams and giggles at us about winning $100,000 or a "nostalgic Dr. Pepper mini-truck", or an "exciting 1985 Buick Century". Groovy.

Of course the tape also includes the aforementioned toupée-less scene from Indecent Proposal (which disappointingly doesn't consist of him throwing confetti at Robert Redford), as well as another hairless scene from some weird short lived 90s TV series called Johnny Bago with Denise Crosby, where Rip Taylor plays the wannabe game show host mayor of some creepy town.

Then it cuts to the most schizophrenically disturbing commercial for adult survivors of child abuse I've ever seen. AND THEN, a weird-ass clip from an infomercial for the Psychic Friends Network where Rip implores you to finally do something for yourself, and call the Psychic Friends Network... NOW!!

And of course, since we started with some funny, we must end with funny — so the tape ends with a clip from Rip's live comedy show where he tells a terrible joke about Bill Clinton having sex with a doberman. Thank you, Jesus.

Check it out below!

Well, that's it. That is the "dramatic reel" of the great Rip Taylor.

Yep.

It sure is.

And if you thought that was great, check out the back of the VHS box where it proclaims all the awesomeness that is Rip Taylor.

Enjoy!

Movie #92 - Chéz-Zam!

Today I'm going to share with you a videotape that makes me very happy.

The videotape is called Chéz-Zam, and it is by far, the greatest thing to have ever happened... EVER.

I case you couldn't tell by that beautifully creepy cover up there, Chéz-Zam is an entertainment/party group that is some crazy messed up mixture of Cirque du Soliel, CATS, Studio 54, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and 89 hits of acid... and a whole buttload of cocaine.

Why am I even trying to explain this to you with mere words?

Take 13 minutes out your day and check out the entire Chéz-Zam promotional videotape below, and find out what Chéz-Zam is really all about –

Freakin' Alan Alda.

I'm not entirely sure there's anything more that I can say – it's just perfect.

Also, I'm about 78% sure this is Clemmy from RENO! 911.

If you can believe it, these Chéz-Zam folks are still around... and if someone doesn't hire them for my next birthday party, I'll be thoroughly disappointed.

Hollywood Walk of Fame Trading Cards (Part 3 of 4)

Today's object of interest to me and one other person in the universe is PART THREE of the fantasmagorical Hollywood Trading Cards!

Today's card is the one, the only, J.R. Ewing aka Larry Hagman!

Okay, I can't lie. I don't own this trading card anymore. I gave it to my super cool friend Jennifer, who is the world's biggest Dallas fan.

Anyways, this guy is Larry Hagman. If you don't know who he is, then... well, I really don't know what to say. This guy has worked non-stop since the late 1950s! Of course, you should recognize him from I Dream of Jeannie or Dallas.

He was also in a great (and by great, I mean terrible yet entertaining) TV movie called Sarah T. - Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic, starring Linda Blair, William Daniels, and Luke Skywalker himself -- Mark Hamill.

Oh, and he was on The Rockford Files once. This immediately makes him a god.

Not too many people know this, but he also did some directing! He directed a bunch of episodes of Dallas, I Dream of Jeannie, and In the Heat of the Night, as well as one feature length film! That one film he directed is Beware! The Blob, the insane 1972 horror-comedy sequel to the classic Steve McQueen horror film, The Blob!

It's a strangely hilarious movie. The cast includes a lot of great actors from the 1970s including Dick Van Patten, Cindy Williams, Del Close, Carol Lynley, Bud Cort, Sid Haig, and the Penguin himself, Burgess Meredith! I highly recommend watching it. It is a laugh and a three quarters.

Check out the trailer for Beware! The Blob below!!

Oh yeah, and it also includes a cameo by Christian rock pioneer Larry Norman.

WWWWEEEEIIIIIRRRRRDDDDD. 

Anyways, this Larry Hagman guy is super cool. He's still working, too! In fact, he's playing J.R. Ewing again on the new version of Dallas!!

What a cool dude.

Also, if anyone can tell me what the question is on card #151, I'll give them 1,000,000 internet pixel-dollars.

Beyond Westworld "Sound of Terror" Teleplay

Today's super insanely radical magnificentness is the script for the "Sound of Terror" episode of the short-lived TV series Beyond Westworld!!

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Hey, Jeremy. There's no TV show called Beyond Westworld! Would they really make a TV show based off the Westworld and Futureworld movies? No! That's crazy! YOU'RE CRAZY! STOP TORTURING ME WITH OBSCURE CRAP!"

Well, I hate to break it to you, but yes, they did make a TV series based off the Westworld/Futureworld movies... and it was awesome!

Okay, so it wasn't that cool. But still! A Westworld TV series? I'd watch it. And I have, thanks to the healing power of bootleg DVDs. It's an odd little obscurity with a premise that really forces you to suspend disbelief to the extreme.

In the show, a mad doctor named Simon Quaid (who used to work for the Delos parks) has created and programmed a bunch of androids to integrate into society as humans and do his bidding to help him in his mission to conquer the world! Yeesh... why can't mad doctors ever use their powers for good?

Anyways, there's these spies, John Moore and Pamela Williams, and their mission is to find these androids and destroy them! Cool, huh?

Obviously the show didn't last too long. Actually, they only produced 5 episodes and 2 of them never aired in the US. The premise for the show is pretty fun, but it really has nothing to do with the Westworld series of films, except for the name "Delos" and the crazy, murderous robots. 

It's too bad the show didn't have too much to do with the films, though. I think that Westworld is one of the most fun and interesting Sci-Fi movies ever made, and it's one of my all-time favorites. Unlike most people, I really like the sequel Futureworld, too. But then again, I'm weird. Also, I will watch, and inevitably fall in love with anything starring Peter Fonda and/or Stuart Margolin.

Now... back to the show! 

So the script we have here is from the final aired episode -- "Sound of Terror". In this episode, the evil Simon Quaid steals some Uranium from a nuclear power plant with the help of an android member of the rock group Power and Ruth to sell to a terrorist named Hakim Fadar, so John and Pamela follow the band around and thwart Quaid's plan of world domination! Super groovy. 

Check out the episode preview (and title sequence) below!

  

I really enjoy the writing in this script, especially the description of the band, which dresses them up like some weird mixture of Jefferson Airplane and The Village People.

 Man, I just love reading about shaking butts...

I especially love the dialogue that's given to the members of the band, which is very similar to a lot of the corny 70s and 80s After-School Special stuff. It doesn't make them cool, it just makes them sound like your regular old rockstar stereotype, saying all sorts of random colloquialisms that NOBODY SAYS. Well, that is unless real, actual people in the 70s called their name their "handle" and talked about getting their "kicks" a lot.

The episode ends just like your basic 70s/80s TV series with the one thing about television that  will never, ever get old -- The FREEZE FRAME! God, I love those.

I think it's a pretty fun episode with lots of music and action and spying, but it apparently wasn't fun or action-packed or spy-ful enough for everyone else, since the show was cancelled after this episode aired.

The show hasn't really been seen too much since it was cancelled (except for bootlegs), but apparently that will change in the near-ish future, since the geniuses at the Warner Archive say their going to release it on DVD! Then you can buy the DVD and watch it and read the script at the same time! Hooray for multitasking!

You can download the Beyond Westworld "Sound of Terror" teleplay HERE.

Bombs Away!

Record #1985 - The Goon Squad - Eight Arms To Hold You (12" Single)

Alright, Goonies... Today's record is the incredible superduperly magnificientalicious 12" single "Eight Arms To Hold You" from the soundtrack to The Goonies.

So, you might be saying to yourself "Hey, Jeremy. Why is there a song about an octopus on The Goonies soundtrack?! There's no octopus in The Goonies! You lying, dastardly son of a motherless goat!"

To answer this hypothetical question that nobody asked, I'd have to point you to this video of a (dun dun dunnnnnnn) DELETED SCENE FROM THE GOONIES!

Put that in your pipe and smoke it! Wooo! I win!

Anyways, so they wrote this song for the movie, and the song didn't end up being in the finished movie, but they still made a single for it and, well, the rest is history... I guess.

So there's 3 tracks on this. The first is the regular old vocal track, then you've got the "Bonus Beat" version, which is basically the short version of the song with more bass drum and no vocals. Lastly, you've got the "DUB" version, which is the song with 10 extra seconds of filler. Whee!

You can download the "Eight Arms To Hold You" 12" single HERE!

And, yes the file is ginormous -- just like the octopus... and Chunk's belly.

Record #81 - Shirley, Squirrely & Melvin: "LIVE"

What would life be without crappy ripoffs of crappy novelty groups? 

Nothing, thats what. And, well, today's record is one of those.

Today's record is a ridiculous ripoff of the already tremendously terrible Alvin & the Chipmunks, by the group Shirley, Squirrely & Melvin and their album "LIVE", although I highly doubt that it's an actual "LIVE" recording.

I wonder if the people who made this really thought they'd get away with such a blatant ripoff. Dave Seville should sue these guys.

Alright, so yeah. Those Alvin & the Chipmunks people were making a lot of money off of albums like Chipmunk Punk and the like, so a bunch of people started making these weird "high-pitched animals singing pop songs" records. I guess these people didn't think twice about the inevitable comparisons between squirrels and chipmunks.

Even the Simpsons made fun of this whole "Rodent Invasion".

Hey, look! Spinal Tap!

Anywhoo, let's talk about this album. 

It really spoke to me.

It told me "WE CAN MAKE YOU HATE A BUDDY HOLLY SONG".

On that note, let's begin our track by track journey through this mess and try to make some sense out of this ridiculousness.

1) Introduction - Fake crowd noises and someone saying the group's name. So far this is my favorite track on the album.

2) Back in the USA - Our first real song is a Chuck Berry song. One of these squirrels implores us to "COME ON AND CLAP YOUR HANDS". Sorry, but no. I refuse to put my hands together to make such a noise.

3) It's So Easy - Ah, the aforementioned Buddy Holly song. This just makes me sad. If they really wanted to do "ONE FOR BUDDAY!", then they should have done him the favor of leaving it alone. Now whenever I hear the supremely superior original version, this crappy one will pop into my head. Ugh. Don't listen to this version unless you want your heart to cry.

4) The Gambler (feat. Denny Richards) - Okay, this one is just ludicrous. LUDICROUS, I SAY! This cover of the classic song features the alternate Hell-on-Earth-Universe version of Kenny Rogers -- Denny Richards. Now, are they REALLY trying to make us think that Denny Richards is a real person? I'm not convinced. Also, should squirrels be singing songs about drinking and gambling? Can these squirrels even wrap their tiny little brains around the importance of this song? Am I looking too much into this?

5) Mercedes Benz - This is a Janis Joplin song. It is an a capella song. Now, I don't really like Janis Joplin all that much, but still. Come on. These people are on a mission to ruin every single song from the past 60 years with high-pitched squirrels, and by golly, they're gonna do it.

6) Boulevard - Okay, here's a Jackson Browne song. I hate it. You hate it. We all hate it. Let's all hate it some more by making squirrels sing it. Whee!

7) Soul Man - This song makes me wish I didn't have a soul.

8) Blue Suede Shoes - Why? Because Elvis sounds SO MUCH BETTER when you up the pitch 3 and a half notches.

9) I Like Reggae Too - Ugh. I don't. 

10) Get Back - Oh yeah. Because we haven't ruined everything good in the world yet, let's ruin the Beatles. Yippee!

11) Love Lives On - Finally. The end. And, unsurprisingly, another crappy crappiness of craptoscity. Almost as bad as Ron Cey.

Thanks a lot, Canada, for ruining everything good in music. Again. Was ANVIL not enough!?

I'm kidding, of course. Anvil rules.

Shirley, Squirrely & Melvin on the other hand... Blech.

Download this idiocy HERE.

Record #1987 - City of Crime (Theme from "Dragnet")

This is the blog -- Los Angeles, California. I write here. I carry a badge.

The article you are about to read is true. The names have been kept the same, because it would be less interesting if I changed them.

DUN DA DUNNNNNN DUN DA DUN DA DUNNNNN!!

In the late 1980s, someone had the bright idea to hire Dan Aykroyd to write and star in a comedy film based on the classic TV cop drama Dragnet. Since Jack Webb wasn't around, they cast Dan Aykroyd as Sgt. Joe Friday's nephew with the same name, and gave him a new sidekick named Pep Streebek, played by Tom Hanks. Yes, that Tom Hanks. The film also featured the original Bill Gannon from the 1960s series, Harry Morgan!

In the film, Captain Bill Gannon puts Sgt. Friday and Pep on the case of an evil cult that goes by the the awesome acronym P.A.G.A.N., which stands for "People Against Goodness And Normalcy". I seriously love that.

Now, to be honest, the film isn't so bad. In fact, it's quite funny. Dan Aykroyd does a pretty great Jack Webb impersonation, and Tom Hanks is just perfectly hilarious. Having the original Bill Gannon from the 60s TV show adds more hilarity, and there are some great supporting parts by Dabney Coleman as a Hugh Hefner-type and Christopher Plummer as a televangelist. It also has a great foul-mouthed cameo by the hilarious 1960s character actress Kathleen Freeman. It's just awesome.

By the way, I subscribe to the belief that Harry Morgan is one of the funniest people in the history of the universe. His voice and his delivery as the comic relief in the 1960s Dragnet have made me laugh harder than some comedians can.

I only have one problem with this film. It's also the problem I have with most films from the mid to late 80s. That problem is -- the use of crappy "rap" music.

Almost all of these late 1980s soundtracks include horrible "rap" songs.

Why? I have no clue.

This film is no exception.

Dragnet has a RAP THEME SONG performed by its stars Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks.

Yes.

I am completely serious.

See?

Although it may be pretty terrible, I have be honest, I have way too much fun listening to Academy Award® Winner Tom Hanks SCREAM his sweet flows at me.

THEY GOT THE GIRL ALL FRIGHTENED, THAT'S NOT NICE!!
I THINK SHE IS THE VICTIM OF A SACRIFICE!!

Good God, man. I can hear you just fine!

Well, here you go. Here is the original 5 MINUTE (HOLY cRAP!) rap theme song to the classic 1980s comedy Dragnet, as performed by Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks, from the original 12" single.

Download "City of Crime" HERE.

I leave you with this 1970s comedy sketch featuring Sgt. Joe Friday and Officer Bill Gannon interrogating comedy legend Jack Benny.

The blog you have just read is true. No names were changed, because no one is innocent.

Article #001 - The Sonny Bono T-Shirt

Once in a lifetime, a T-Shirt comes along and changes your whole view of the world. Time seems to go by a little slower, the sun shines a little brighter, bacon tastes baconier - everything's just going your way!

The story's always the same. You were searching in the $4 bin of your local Goodwill, sifting through all the AYSO, little league, church picnic, and "Proud to be an American" shirts, when all of a sudden, you find it. The second you see it, you know - this is the one. You know now that you are the luckiest person in the world.

For me, this is that shirt.

This is the Sonny Bono "I Want You Babe" T-Shirt, and it is the greatest T-Shirt ever made. Period.

As you can see, it is a campaign shirt for Sonny Bono's run for mayor of Palm Springs, which is what launched his political career where he was eventually elected to the US House of Representatives. Apparently he decided to run for mayor because he was annoyed that the city wouldn't allow him to put a sign on his newly-opened restaurant.

If I've ever heard a reason to run for mayor, that sure is it.

(as always, CLICK on the photo to enable the

ENLARGE-O-MATIC PHOTO EMBIGGENER®!!)

Unfortunately, I have grown out of this shirt. It gave me 3 wonderful years of chest-covering service, but it saddens me that I'll never, ever get to wear this shirt ever again...

So, I'm going to frame it. No, really. I am.

Oh, and here's a video of Sonny & Cher visiting the infamous 60s Hollywood nightclub, The Haunted House! You know... from the greatest movie ever, Girl in Gold Boots! YEAH!