Sunday, May 23, 2010

Articles #722 & 456- The Pac-Man Items

So, apparently it's the 30th Anniversary of Pac-Man. Now, I've been alive for almost 24 of those years and I think it's about time someone gets me one of those tabletop Ms. Pac-Man machines. Dagnabit.

Anywhoo, thanks to the popularity of the Pac-Man video game, we got some good and... well, not so good Pac-Man memorabilia. From magnets, to band-aids, to belt buckles, to energy drinks, to cereal, to Christmas Comes To PacLand (the second-worst Christmas special of all time) -- there's way too much to count.

Now, I COULD give you Buckner & Garcia's masterpiece, "Pac-Man Fever" 45 and be done with it, but that'd be too easy.

Nope, instead I'm gonna share with you my two favorite Pac-Man items that I own.

First, we have the stuffed Pac-Man. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't remember Pac-Man having hands, arms, feet, legs, a torso, a t-shirt, or eyes. Oh well.


Here we have the Pac-Man Fever tract from your friends at "Jews F✡r Jesus". Luckily for us "boys & girls, moms & dads, punks & all-Americans", even if we do play Pac-Man, Jesus will allow us into Heaven! Because after all, if we make a pact with God, we will be a Pact-Man. Get it?!? Oh puns, how I love thee.

Oh, and the fact that they use the words "fresser" and "notorious noshers" makes me wayyyyy too happy.

Okay, I couldn't help it.

Here's the "Pac-Man Fever" 45.


Download it free, HERE.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Records #12 & #12½ - The Terry Bradshaw & Ron Cey 45's

So, yeah...

Thanks to my parents record collection, I have inherited some awesome music - Bob Dylan, John Denver, Steve Taylor, and Chuck Mangione to name a few.

But, I won't be talking about those.

First we have Terry Bradshaw's "Until You/Dimestore Jesus" 45. You see, after he retired from football in the 70's, he realized that he hadn't released enough albums of his horrific singing about his personal relationship with Jesus. So, in 1980 he released this - his one (and only, as far as I know) single. Lucky for me, my parents enjoyed buying music by C-List celebrities and picked up this relic.

Now, these generic late 70's country/inspirational songs could be sung by pretty much anybody, so it makes perfect sense that the guy from that one Radio Shack commercial should record them. Meh.

Next we have the worst thing I have EVER heard. I'm not joking. I'm amazed my brain didn't explode. It's the most Satanically horrible thing ever.

No, I'm not talking about K-Fed's record. I'm talking about this promotional 7" by former Los Angeles Dodgers third baseman, Ron "The Penguin" Cey. Included are the tracks "Third Base Bag" and "One Game At A Time".

The very millisecond the "just-slightly-but-enough-to-be-completely-off-key" vocals came in on Side One's track "Third Base Bag", I knew my life was never going to be the same again. Although sung in almost a complete monotone, it is SO VERY SLIGHTLY off-key and wrong that it is intolerable.

Side Two's track, "One Game At A Time" is just as vile as the first side's. In it, he chronicles for all of us how he "took advantage of the bright sunshine, ONE GAME AT A TIME". Now, if these flagitious lyrics and this rancid singing isn't bad enough, there is a point where his voice is actually DOUBLED UP on the track to include TWICE THE UNSPEAKABLY ATROCIOUS singing voice that is RON CEY.

Lucky for you, I recorded both of these 45's and they are available for download here.


*I, Jeremy Allison, officially inform you that I do NOT take the blame for you losing your hearing by listening to the God-awful 45 by Ron Cey.

Article # 685 - The Handgnifying Glass

This thing kinda gives me the creeps.

It's like E.T. became an old, wealthy dowager, and while he/she read the morning newspaper with his/her magnifying glass (since his/her eyesight became bad as he/she grew older), King Midas came over and he/she was turned into gold and then King Midas chopped off and stole his/her hand.

At least that's how I see it.

CLICK on the photo to enable the ENLARGE-O-MATIC PHOTO EMBIGGENER®!!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Articles #14, 84, and 32 - My Random Button Collection (Part 1)

Well, here we are again with a few more items of randomness brought to you by me and the evil people at Monsanto.

Today, we are going to enter into the dark, dark world of my vast button collection. Now, I've got a lot of band buttons, but for every one of those, I've got a random one to accompany it. As always, click on the photos to enable the ENLARGE-O-MATIC® PHOTO EMBIGGENER!!

First off, we've got the "ICE CAPADES" button. This marvelous button of marvelousness just brings you back to the ice capades from whence it came, doesn't it? I don't know about you, but when I think of the ice capades, I think of the red color of the blood on the ice from the hockey game the night before, the orange of Tony the Tiger, and the pitch black night that will be awaiting me for when I'm making the 12 minute walk back to my car.

Next, we have the lovely "Jesus Loves Me" button. This button was obviously made to remind us that not only does Jesus love human beings, but He also loves that little bear cub that lives inside your heart too. Heartwarming, isn't it?

Lastly, we have this grand "German Power" button. Of course we all know that during the late 1960's while zombie Adolf Hitler was hiding in Buenos Aires, he was secretly making these buttons and illegally trafficking them into the United States. College campuses everywhere were flooded with kids wearing "German Power" buttons. But, when it was discovered that the secret source of these "German Power" buttons was the zombie Adolf Hitler, the CIA hired Tiny Tim and his fiancé Miss Vicki to get married on "The Tonight Show With Johnny Carson", therefore capturing the imagination of the entire population of the United States. While the residents of the US were glued to their television watching perhaps the greatest television event of all time, the US Army bombed Buenos Aires thereby forever defeating the zombie Adolf Hitler. And that, my friends, is the story of the "German Power" button.


Saturday, May 8, 2010

Article #318 - The Cat Jacket

This is the the "El Guapo" of cat jackets. The infamous cat jacket, if you will.

No, it is not a Cruella DeVille-esque cat fur jacket. That'd be creepy. Really creepy.

According to the tag on this jacket, it is made of a material called "Olefin Tyvek®". After much debating, carbon testing, and Googling, my hypothesis is that "Olefin Tyvek®" is really just wax paper. This thing is loud. Seriously, this jacket makes more sounds than that trash compactor in "Star Wars".

While cleaning out my awesome, hilarious, and odd Oma's (German for grandmother) house, we found this jacket. I don't ever remember seeing her wear it, and I don't remember ever seeing it before. One day it just appeared out of nowhere and I snatched it up before my mother could sneak it away to the Salvation Army.

As you can see in these lovely NYLON-esque photo shoots, this jacket is covered in cats, cats, and more cats. (CLICK on the photos to enable the "ENLARGE-O-MATIC™ PHOTO ENHANCER")

Although annoyingly loud, this jacket is rockin'. You can wear it on a first date. You can wear it to the prom. Permitted it is hipster-friendly, you can wear it to a show. Yes, my friends, you can even wear it just on a night on the town. It's just that cool. Imagine, if you will, all the great times you could have and all the great memories you will create just by wearing this amazing feline frockery.

MEOW! (that is catspeak for "Enjoy!")

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Article #1985 - The Creepy Christmas Cards From The Dead Guy In The Freezer In "The Goonies"

The past two months have been crazy. I have survived a couple of Los Angeles earthquakes, a stolen iPhone 4G, Goth Day at Disneyland®, and the death of Corey Haim. So lay off me, jerks. Sheesh.

Anywhoo, While we're on the subject of Corey Haim, let's forget about him and talk about Corey Feldman aka Mouth aka That Metalhead Kid From The 'Burbs (my favorite Tom Hanks movie, mostly because it has Carrie Fisher in it... *drools*) aka Washed Up Child Actor Who Tried A Comeback With A Reality TV Show And Failed Miserably #854.

So, in 1985, while I was still in my mother's womb (okay, not really), my mom and dad went to go see The Goonies. I don't remember much, since I was still in hiding, but from what I do remember there were lots of children running around and cursing, Josh Brolin, pirates, Chunk making puke noises in a movie theater, "Hey you guyyyyyys!!", and Josh Brolin. Did I say Josh Brolin twice? I sure hope I did, because No Country For Old Men rules.

I'm sure you've seen the movie. If you haven't, then you are fired. Seriously. Get out of here. Really. Go. NOW.

Nah, I'm just spoofin' you.

So, there was this scene in the movie where Chunk (he's the fat kid, of course!) smells ice cream through a lead freezer door (just like all fat kids can), and opens it up and starts eating the ice cream and then a DEAD GUY FALLS ON HIM IN THE FREEZER.

That dead guy I just mentioned is the actual subject of this blog entry. Don't be fooled by all the talking I did up there. It's just filler. I feel the need to fill your minds with tons of empty knowledge that you'll never be able to use in your daily life! And THAT my friends, is my evil plan to conquer the world!!

So we come back to the dead guy from The Goonies, who was one of my dad's clients. My dad is a printer and printed his Christmas cards for him. Here we have two of the creepiest, weirdest, and just plain wrong Christmas cards I have ever seen in my life. I would like to thank my dad for not exposing these to me when I was a child.

Click the photos to enable the "ENLARGE-O-MATIC™ PHOTO ENHANCER"!!!

P.S. HERE he is in the freezer with Chunk.