Record #93 - The Super Mario Bros. The Movie Dinosaur 12" Record

I've got too many weird/random records, but this one takes the cake.

I have a theory that all record stores have a "Less Than $5" section just to entice me and make me spend even more money that I don't have on records that have no particular use whatsoever.

Oh well.

So, this is the "Walk the Dinosaur" single from the film epic Super Mario Bros.: The Movie, officially one of the worst movies of all time. Of course, like all movies of the early 1990's, the soundtrack includes a song by the Divynls, Joe Satriani, and Marky Mark. But of course, the one stand-out track was the only song ever recorded by The Goombas and George Clinton - a cover of the Was (Not Was) song, "Walk the Dinosaur".

I never liked the song. Ugh. "Open the door, get on the floor, everybody walk the dinosaur". Yeah, sure.

For no reason whatsoever, Columbia Records decided that this lovely song deserved a single release, on a Dinosaur shaped 12" record. And here it is.

Obviously, the best thing about this record is that it's shaped like a dinosaur. That's it. The song sucks, and the fact that there's a remix edit on the B-Side makes it suck even more.

Unsurprisingly, this thing is super hard to find. In fact, I couldn't find reference to it anywhere on the internet.

If you so desire, you can download it HERE.

Enjoy, I guess.

Record #1 & 2 - The Dee Dee Ramone Rap Collection

Today I bring to you Dee Dee Ramone's monumental rap album, "Standing in the Spotlight". Of course, as we all know (and if you don't know, I pity you), the Ramones are the greatest band of all time. ALL TIME. Deal with it, you hippies.

Anyways, after being with the Ramones for 14 years, (and a short stay in the hospital, no less) Dee Dee Ramone decided to record a 12" rap single entitled "Funky Man" under the name of Dee Dee King.

The song "Funky Man" follows the trail of Dee Dee Ramone/King who is a "Funky / A Funky Guy." You know, a "Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa funky" guy. Yeah. I don't know who this song was written for or why it was created, but apparently it was. The B-Side of the single contains the marvelous "Funky Man (Dub)" which essentially is the same song extended by 2 minutes. Hooray...?

Apparently this magical single got a pretty good response, so Sire Records decided to let Dee Dee record his own full length rap album, "Standing in the Spotlight".

With such gems as "Commotion in the Ocean" and "Baby Doll", the album was a sure-fire hit into the hearts of millions and would be remembered forever as the album that changed the face of history.

Except that didn't happen.

You see, Dee Dee, although a great punk songwriter and bassist, was not a very good rapper or singer. Or rap song writer, for that matter. He loved the music of LL Cool J and Run DMC, and tried to emulate their style, but for some reason he couldn't do it. It may have had something to do with him being really, really white.

The album faded into obscurity, never to be heard from again...

Until one day, someone remembered, "Oh hey, remember when Dee Dee Ramone came out with a rap album and it really sucked?" and they wrote about it, and all the nerds (a.k.a. me, myself, and I) heard about this and did everything they could to secure a copy of this album.

So, of course me being the world's biggest Ramones fan (especially Dee Dee Ramone), I just HAD to get my hands on a copy of this. To be fair, it's not horrible, it's just misguided. I'm sure that Dee Dee was just on some drugs and decided to make a rap album just because he really liked rap. Actually, I'm pretty sure that's EXACTLY what happened.

Now, let's go track by track of the original album and try to explain this madness --

1) Mashed Potato Time - "It's time to rock / It's time to rap / It's time for the mashed potato attack"... It's with those words that Dee Dee King chose to start the first line of the first song that starts this trainwreck. It's basically Debbie Harry singing "Mashed Potato" and "It's the latest / It's the greatest / Put some gravy on your mashed potato" in the background and Dee Dee very slowly "rapping"... Well, it's more like slow talking. Which is what I guess rapping is. I have to say, I really like it when Dee Dee goes "Yeah Yeah Yeah" in his sluggish drugged up drawl. The sax solo is pretty great too.

2) 2 Much 2 Drink - Of course, the second track would be called 2 Much 2 Drink! It's genius. Okay, all joking aside, I really actually like this song. It's ridiculous and fun all at once. The raps get a little awkward at times, but most of the time it seems to flow pretty good. I applaud you Dee Dee King.

3) Baby Doll - Okay, this song's lyrics may be nice and lovey-dovey for his wifey-wifey Vera Ramone, but it makes me cringe. Dee Dee just can't sing a love song. Sorry Dee Dee, I love you, but you can't sing a love song. Just... no. The chorus isn't too bad but that's because thats when the background singers come in.

4) Poor Little Rich Girl - This is actually a pretty good pop punk song. I don't know why it's on this rap album, but still, I like it a lot. The riff's good, the chorus is catchy. I like it. Did I say that already? Okay, well I like it. I really like it. I like it. A Lot. I like it a lot. A whole bunch of liking this song.

5) Commotion in the Ocean - You don't even get 2 lines in before Dee Dee re-uses a great Ramones lyric from "Rockaway Beach". This song consists of a story of Dee Dee King going to the beach. Yippee...? In the end it turns out that "A lesson I learn out of this / I am not a fish"... Wow. Strong words, Dee Dee. I'll put that into thought.

6) German Kid - Okay this is my theme song. This is like superly duperly amazing. If you thought 2 Much 2 Drink was awesome, just wait till you hear this. In this song, he raps in English AND German. So cool. Oh yeah, and the chorus goes "Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaalf American / Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaalf German". Sooooo good. Also, this song includes more background Debbie Harry singing. Cool.

7) Brooklyn Babe - So, it starts out sounding like a good 60's girl group-y type song. But then Dee Dee King comes in and says (not sings, SAYS) "Here's a little serenade / A-bout a Brooklyn Babe". Yeah. I wish it was a girl group-y song. And for the song that actually sounds like a girl group-y song, it doesn't have any Debbie Harry. What's up with that? Also I cringe at the point where Dee Dee tries really hard to sing to you in a faux-tender voice "Baby, baby / You're an angel / You're such a sexy angel / I want to make you my giiiirrrrrrlllll". Eeek.

8) Emergency - This is my favorite song on the album. It could've been a Ramones song. I really enjoy it. Nice and poppy. Also I just really love the lyrics. My favorite set of lyrics are "Next time go shopping if you want a thrill / Now it's time for you to chill". Yes! Really awesome. I love this song.

9) The Crusher - This is another solid song. Not very bad. And it ended up being recorded by the Ramones in 1995 for their last album "¡Adios Amigos!", like 7 years after Dee Dee left the band. Sadly, C. Jay sings on the Ramones version, but I still give them props for recording a Dee Dee King song. High five.

10) I Want What I Want When I Want It - Yet another rap song about being "the best". Sadly, Dee Dee just couldn't pass up doing what every other rapper in the universe has done, and did a song about being "def"... whatever that means. What do I know? I'm white. Anyways, it's an entertaining song and a good end to the album.

So, that's it. It's not so bad. I may sound a little sarcastic when I write all of this, but I do actually enjoy this album. It's fun, and in fact that's all it's meant to be. The music is happy, the lyrics are just fun, and that's why I love it. Dee Dee King is here to make you happy.

Now, if you thought that was the end of Dee Dee King, well you're wrong... DEAD WRONG!!! **insert evil laugh here**

In this magical internet age, many things show up out of what appears to be "nowhere". In my search for many years for everything Dee Dee King related, I've come upon the music video for "Funky Man", an interview with Dee Dee King on the Joe Franklin Show, and... DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN...

UNRELEASED DEE DEE KING DEMOS!!!

Holy crap, the Holy Grail has been found and, unlike what Steven Spielberg wants you to believe, it's not in some random castle that's embedded into a rock wall behind some invisible bridge, it's on my computer. Yes, I have 4 unreleased songs/demos and 6 demos from the "Standing In The Spotlight" sessions. Unsurprisingly, the quality's not so great, since nobody thought anyone would care about this stuff 22 years later. But I do. So THERE, Sire Records.

So, I've got demos for the songs "Poor Little Rich Girl", "Baby Doll", "The Crusher", "German Kid", "2 Much 2 Drink", and "Commotion in the Ocean". On top of this pile are the other 4 demos for the unreleased songs "The Great Adventurer", "The Goon", and 2 (one incomplete) demos for "Max The Cat".

"The Great Adventurer" tells the story of Dr. Dee Dee King, who may or may not be a "great adventurer" who's hobby is "exploring". Hmmm... no thanks.

"The Goon" tells a story of a "goon who's in Manhattan" who seems to be Dee Dee King's rapper arch-nemesis! I really enjoy this song. I think its fun. The riff is awesome. The lyrics are great. Especially the part that goes "I'm an expert at rappin' / With the 'Yo Yo' / I'm rockin' the mic / Like a psycho". YES!! Oh man, I was waiting for that rhyme to come along the entire album. I'm glad it came along eventually. The chorus is pretty catchy. "G-O-O-N / Time for rappin' / 1-2-3-4-5 / Gonna skin your ass alive / 5-6-7-8-9 / Gonna kick the Goon's behind / Jack and Jill went up the hill / Yo, Goon... CHIIIIILLLL". YES YES YES AND DOUBLE YES... NO, WAIT... TRIPLE YES!!! TIMES INFINITY!!! Okay that wasn't THAT awesome, but I love it. It would be a great song for kids if it weren't for the random F-bomb that gets thrown in there before the first chorus, but oh well. Great song, though.

Lastly, we have the song "Max The Cat" which is, of course, sung from the perspective of Dee Dee's cat, Max. Now, THIS is what a kid's rap song should be like. Not terrible, not great. Great to know that Max likes sauerkraut. Never thought I'd ever want to know that, but now that I do, it's pretty cool, I guess.

So that's it. That's the entire career of Dee Dee King, the rapper, with more commentary than necessary. Hey, it interests me, and that's all that matters.

Of course by now, you may be asking "JEREMY HOW CAN I GET THIS AMAZING ALBUM IN THE DELUXE WARNER BROTHER ARCHIVE SERIES BOX SET VERSION RIGHT NOW???" Well, to be frank, that will NEVER, EVER happen and if it does, then may God have mercy on us all.

Articles #722 & 456- The Pac-Man Items

So, apparently it's the 30th Anniversary of Pac-Man. Now, I've been alive for almost 24 of those years and I think it's about time someone gets me one of those tabletop Ms. Pac-Man machines. Dagnabit.

Anywhoo, thanks to the popularity of the Pac-Man video game, we got some good and... well, not so good Pac-Man memorabilia. From magnets, to band-aids, to belt buckles, to energy drinks, to cereal, to Christmas Comes To PacLand (the second-worst Christmas special of all time) -- there's way too much to count.

Now, I COULD give you Buckner & Garcia's masterpiece, "Pac-Man Fever" 45 and be done with it, but that'd be too easy.

Nope, instead I'm gonna share with you my two favorite Pac-Man items that I own.

First, we have the stuffed Pac-Man. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't remember Pac-Man having hands, arms, feet, legs, a torso, a t-shirt, or eyes. Oh well.

JUMPING JOYSTICKS!!

Here we have the Pac-Man Fever tract from your friends at "Jews F✡r Jesus". Luckily for us "boys & girls, moms & dads, punks & all-Americans", even if we do play Pac-Man, Jesus will allow us into Heaven! Because after all, if we make a pact with God, we will be a Pact-Man. Get it?!? Oh puns, how I love thee.

Oh, and the fact that they use the words "fresser" and "notorious noshers" makes me wayyyyy too happy.

Okay, I couldn't help it.

Here's the "Pac-Man Fever" 45.

Enjoy!

Download it free, HERE.

Records #12 & #12½ - The Terry Bradshaw & Ron Cey 45's

So, yeah...

Thanks to my parents record collection, I have inherited some awesome music - Bob Dylan, John Denver, Steve Taylor, and Chuck Mangione to name a few.

But, I won't be talking about those.

First we have Terry Bradshaw's "Until You/Dimestore Jesus" 45. You see, after he retired from football in the 70's, he realized that he hadn't released enough albums of his horrific singing about his personal relationship with Jesus. So, in 1980 he released this - his one (and only, as far as I know) single. Lucky for me, my parents enjoyed buying music by C-List celebrities and picked up this relic.

Now, these generic late 70's country/inspirational songs could be sung by pretty much anybody, so it makes perfect sense that the guy from that one Radio Shack commercial should record them. Meh.

Next we have the worst thing I have EVER heard. I'm not joking. I'm amazed my brain didn't explode. It's the most Satanically horrible thing ever.

No, I'm not talking about K-Fed's record. I'm talking about this promotional 7" by former Los Angeles Dodgers third baseman, Ron "The Penguin" Cey. Included are the tracks "Third Base Bag" and "One Game At A Time".

The very millisecond the "just-slightly-but-enough-to-be-completely-off-key" vocals came in on Side One's track "Third Base Bag", I knew my life was never going to be the same again. Although sung in almost a complete monotone, it is SO VERY SLIGHTLY off-key and wrong that it is intolerable.

Side Two's track, "One Game At A Time" is just as vile as the first side's. In it, he chronicles for all of us how he "took advantage of the bright sunshine, ONE GAME AT A TIME". Now, if these flagitious lyrics and this rancid singing isn't bad enough, there is a point where his voice is actually DOUBLED UP on the track to include TWICE THE UNSPEAKABLY ATROCIOUS singing voice that is RON CEY.

Lucky for you, I recorded both of these 45's and they are available for download here.

LISTEN AT YOUR OWN RISK.*

1) Terry Bradshaw - Until You/Dimestore Jesus 7"

2) Ron Cey - Ron Cey 7"

*I, Jeremy Allison, officially inform you that I do NOT take the blame for you losing your hearing by listening to the God-awful 45 by Ron Cey.

Article # 685 - The Handgnifying Glass

This thing kinda gives me the creeps.

It's like E.T. became an old, wealthy dowager, and while he/she read the morning newspaper with his/her magnifying glass (since his/her eyesight became bad as he/she grew older), King Midas came over and he/she was turned into gold and then King Midas chopped off and stole his/her hand.

At least that's how I see it.

CLICK on the photo to enable the ENLARGE-O-MATIC PHOTO EMBIGGENER®!!

Articles #14, 84, and 32 - My Random Button Collection (Part 1)

Well, here we are again with a few more items of randomness brought to you by me and the evil people at Monsanto.

Today, we are going to enter into the dark, dark world of my vast button collection. Now, I've got a lot of band buttons, but for every one of those, I've got a random one to accompany it. As always, click on the photos to enable the ENLARGE-O-MATIC® PHOTO EMBIGGENER!!

First off, we've got the "ICE CAPADES" button. This marvelous button of marvelousness just brings you back to the ice capades from whence it came, doesn't it? I don't know about you, but when I think of the ice capades, I think of the red color of the blood on the ice from the hockey game the night before, the orange of Tony the Tiger, and the pitch black night that will be awaiting me for when I'm making the 12 minute walk back to my car.

Next, we have the lovely "Jesus Loves Me" button. This button was obviously made to remind us that not only does Jesus love human beings, but He also loves that little bear cub that lives inside your heart too. Heartwarming, isn't it?

Lastly, we have this grand "German Power" button. Of course we all know that during the late 1960's while zombie Adolf Hitler was hiding in Buenos Aires, he was secretly making these buttons and illegally trafficking them into the United States. College campuses everywhere were flooded with kids wearing "German Power" buttons. But, when it was discovered that the secret source of these "German Power" buttons was the zombie Adolf Hitler, the CIA hired Tiny Tim and his fiancé Miss Vicki to get married on "The Tonight Show With Johnny Carson", therefore capturing the imagination of the entire population of the United States. While the residents of the US were glued to their television watching perhaps the greatest television event of all time, the US Army bombed Buenos Aires thereby forever defeating the zombie Adolf Hitler. And that, my friends, is the story of the "German Power" button.

Enjoy!

Article #318 - The Cat Jacket

This is the the "El Guapo" of cat jackets. The infamous cat jacket, if you will.

No, it is not a Cruella DeVille-esque cat fur jacket. That'd be creepy. Really creepy.

According to the tag on this jacket, it is made of a material called "Olefin Tyvek®". After much debating, carbon testing, and Googling, my hypothesis is that "Olefin Tyvek®" is really just wax paper. This thing is loud. Seriously, this jacket makes more sounds than that trash compactor in "Star Wars".

While cleaning out my awesome, hilarious, and odd Oma's (German for grandmother) house, we found this jacket. I don't ever remember seeing her wear it, and I don't remember ever seeing it before. One day it just appeared out of nowhere and I snatched it up before my mother could sneak it away to the Salvation Army.

As you can see in these lovely NYLON-esque photo shoots, this jacket is covered in cats, cats, and more cats. (CLICK on the photos to enable the "ENLARGE-O-MATIC™ PHOTO ENHANCER")

Although annoyingly loud, this jacket is rockin'. You can wear it on a first date. You can wear it to the prom. Permitted it is hipster-friendly, you can wear it to a show. Yes, my friends, you can even wear it just on a night on the town. It's just that cool. Imagine, if you will, all the great times you could have and all the great memories you will create just by wearing this amazing feline frockery.

MEOW! (that is catspeak for "Enjoy!")

Article #1985 - The Creepy Christmas Cards From The Dead Guy In The Freezer In "The Goonies"

The past two months have been crazy. I have survived a couple of Los Angeles earthquakes, a stolen iPhone 4G, Goth Day at Disneyland®, and the death of Corey Haim. So lay off me, jerks. Sheesh.

Anywhoo, While we're on the subject of Corey Haim, let's forget about him and talk about Corey Feldman aka Mouth aka That Metalhead Kid From The 'Burbs (my favorite Tom Hanks movie, mostly because it has Carrie Fisher in it... *drools*) aka Washed Up Child Actor Who Tried A Comeback With A Reality TV Show And Failed Miserably #854.

So, in 1985, while I was still in my mother's womb (okay, not really), my mom and dad went to go see The Goonies. I don't remember much, since I was still in hiding, but from what I do remember there were lots of children running around and cursing, Josh Brolin, pirates, Chunk making puke noises in a movie theater, "Hey you guyyyyyys!!", and Josh Brolin. Did I say Josh Brolin twice? I sure hope I did, because No Country For Old Men rules.

I'm sure you've seen the movie. If you haven't, then you are fired. Seriously. Get out of here. Really. Go. NOW.

Nah, I'm just spoofin' you.

So, there was this scene in the movie where Chunk (he's the fat kid, of course!) smells ice cream through a lead freezer door (just like all fat kids can), and opens it up and starts eating the ice cream and then a DEAD GUY FALLS ON HIM IN THE FREEZER.

That dead guy I just mentioned is the actual subject of this blog entry. Don't be fooled by all the talking I did up there. It's just filler. I feel the need to fill your minds with tons of empty knowledge that you'll never be able to use in your daily life! And THAT my friends, is my evil plan to conquer the world!!

So we come back to the dead guy from The Goonies, who was one of my dad's clients. My dad is a printer and printed his Christmas cards for him. Here we have two of the creepiest, weirdest, and just plain wrong Christmas cards I have ever seen in my life. I would like to thank my dad for not exposing these to me when I was a child.

Click the photos to enable the "ENLARGE-O-MATIC™ PHOTO ENHANCER"!!!

P.S. HERE he is in the freezer with Chunk.

Article #696 - The Phantom Mullet

Yeah, OK. So I'm lame. Didn't post in a couple weeks. Big whoop. I'm sorry. Geez. Get off my case already.

Anyways, this article is actually something that I created back in 10th grade art class. Our awesome art teacher who was a Norwegian Simon Pegg lookalike gave us the assignment of creating a piece that included the actual English word of what we were creating somewhere in the piece. Now, if I was a regular person, I would have chosen some sort of cheap way out, like "car", or "banana", or "government issue". But no, I chose "mullet". For reasons of cheap teenage tomfoolery, I chose to also include in his headband the logo of Five Iron Frenzy, the greatest ska band ever, whose beautiful ode to Rowsdower-esque hairstyles everywhere, "The Phantom Mullet" inspired this piece.

Apparently, my art teacher liked it, as he placed it on display in the hallway of the History Building for all to see, which, as you all know, is second only to getting your art displayed in your local grandmother's house.

Enjoy.

Article #321 - The Darkwing Duck Mask

In my first post, I claimed to have the largest Darkwing Duck collection in the known universe. I assure you, I am not kidding.

Even as my taste in films and television has changed, Darkwing Duck has always been one show that I can watch and always find hilarious. As a child, I laughed at the all of the Batman references and classic Looney Tunes-esque cartoon humor. As an adult, I've discovered that it is quite possibly the funniest and most cleverly written cartoon of all time. Here are 2 examples:

Example #1 In what other kid's cartoon would you hear any villain utter the diabolically decadent line "If the neo-postmodernist backlash hadn't caught pre-antirealism in it's wake you'd be sitting pretty!"?

Example #2 In what other kid's show would you see an episode completely dedicated to be a parody of David Lynch's Twin Peaks entitled "Twin Beaks" complete with a villain "dead, wrapped in plastic", 100s of "log ladies", and title sequence parody?

Seriously, it's my favorite show of all time, and ever since Darkwing Duck premiered in 1991, I've had an unhealthy obsession with all things DW. Luckily for me, my mom and grandmother supported the heck out of this obsession. I literally own everything and by everything, I mean EVERY-FREAKING-THING Darkwing Duck related. Some are really awesome and some are just plain weird and obsessive-like. This is one of those weird and obsessive ones.

In 1993, the Disney Afternoon was at the height of its popularity. There was Ducktales, TaleSpin, Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers, Gummi Bears, and of course (in my humble opinion) the best one of all, Darkwing Duck. And it was pretty dang popular, I mean there were action figures, watches, video games, underwear, t-shirts, shorts, fanny packs, cereal boxes, board games, lunchboxes, video tapes, trading cards, collectible stickers... basically everything that you can milk out of a kid's television show was taken advantage of. That same year, there was the unforgettable Disney Afternoon on Iceshow. There weren't too many shows, and if you try Googling it, you won't find anything. No pictures, no merchandise, no programs - NOTHING!!

One night, my dad came home from work and picked up my mom, my friend Christa, and I and surprised us by taking us to the Disney Afternoon on Ice. The only thing I really remember from the actual show is seeing DW as he skated by, and waving to me, and as awesome as that memory may be, it's definitely not as cool as this semi-creepy Darkwing Duck mask sold only at the very few shows that were put on by the Disney Afternoon on Ice.

I DARE you to find another one of these on the interweb. You can't. I assure you.

I leave you now with a hilariously bad-yet-great cover of the Darkwing Duck theme song.