Articles #14, 84, and 32 - My Random Button Collection (Part 1)

Well, here we are again with a few more items of randomness brought to you by me and the evil people at Monsanto.

Today, we are going to enter into the dark, dark world of my vast button collection. Now, I've got a lot of band buttons, but for every one of those, I've got a random one to accompany it. As always, click on the photos to enable the ENLARGE-O-MATIC® PHOTO EMBIGGENER!!

First off, we've got the "ICE CAPADES" button. This marvelous button of marvelousness just brings you back to the ice capades from whence it came, doesn't it? I don't know about you, but when I think of the ice capades, I think of the red color of the blood on the ice from the hockey game the night before, the orange of Tony the Tiger, and the pitch black night that will be awaiting me for when I'm making the 12 minute walk back to my car.

Next, we have the lovely "Jesus Loves Me" button. This button was obviously made to remind us that not only does Jesus love human beings, but He also loves that little bear cub that lives inside your heart too. Heartwarming, isn't it?

Lastly, we have this grand "German Power" button. Of course we all know that during the late 1960's while zombie Adolf Hitler was hiding in Buenos Aires, he was secretly making these buttons and illegally trafficking them into the United States. College campuses everywhere were flooded with kids wearing "German Power" buttons. But, when it was discovered that the secret source of these "German Power" buttons was the zombie Adolf Hitler, the CIA hired Tiny Tim and his fiancé Miss Vicki to get married on "The Tonight Show With Johnny Carson", therefore capturing the imagination of the entire population of the United States. While the residents of the US were glued to their television watching perhaps the greatest television event of all time, the US Army bombed Buenos Aires thereby forever defeating the zombie Adolf Hitler. And that, my friends, is the story of the "German Power" button.

Enjoy!

Article #318 - The Cat Jacket

This is the the "El Guapo" of cat jackets. The infamous cat jacket, if you will.

No, it is not a Cruella DeVille-esque cat fur jacket. That'd be creepy. Really creepy.

According to the tag on this jacket, it is made of a material called "Olefin Tyvek®". After much debating, carbon testing, and Googling, my hypothesis is that "Olefin Tyvek®" is really just wax paper. This thing is loud. Seriously, this jacket makes more sounds than that trash compactor in "Star Wars".

While cleaning out my awesome, hilarious, and odd Oma's (German for grandmother) house, we found this jacket. I don't ever remember seeing her wear it, and I don't remember ever seeing it before. One day it just appeared out of nowhere and I snatched it up before my mother could sneak it away to the Salvation Army.

As you can see in these lovely NYLON-esque photo shoots, this jacket is covered in cats, cats, and more cats. (CLICK on the photos to enable the "ENLARGE-O-MATIC™ PHOTO ENHANCER")

Although annoyingly loud, this jacket is rockin'. You can wear it on a first date. You can wear it to the prom. Permitted it is hipster-friendly, you can wear it to a show. Yes, my friends, you can even wear it just on a night on the town. It's just that cool. Imagine, if you will, all the great times you could have and all the great memories you will create just by wearing this amazing feline frockery.

MEOW! (that is catspeak for "Enjoy!")

Article #1985 - The Creepy Christmas Cards From The Dead Guy In The Freezer In "The Goonies"

The past two months have been crazy. I have survived a couple of Los Angeles earthquakes, a stolen iPhone 4G, Goth Day at Disneyland®, and the death of Corey Haim. So lay off me, jerks. Sheesh.

Anywhoo, While we're on the subject of Corey Haim, let's forget about him and talk about Corey Feldman aka Mouth aka That Metalhead Kid From The 'Burbs (my favorite Tom Hanks movie, mostly because it has Carrie Fisher in it... *drools*) aka Washed Up Child Actor Who Tried A Comeback With A Reality TV Show And Failed Miserably #854.

So, in 1985, while I was still in my mother's womb (okay, not really), my mom and dad went to go see The Goonies. I don't remember much, since I was still in hiding, but from what I do remember there were lots of children running around and cursing, Josh Brolin, pirates, Chunk making puke noises in a movie theater, "Hey you guyyyyyys!!", and Josh Brolin. Did I say Josh Brolin twice? I sure hope I did, because No Country For Old Men rules.

I'm sure you've seen the movie. If you haven't, then you are fired. Seriously. Get out of here. Really. Go. NOW.

Nah, I'm just spoofin' you.

So, there was this scene in the movie where Chunk (he's the fat kid, of course!) smells ice cream through a lead freezer door (just like all fat kids can), and opens it up and starts eating the ice cream and then a DEAD GUY FALLS ON HIM IN THE FREEZER.

That dead guy I just mentioned is the actual subject of this blog entry. Don't be fooled by all the talking I did up there. It's just filler. I feel the need to fill your minds with tons of empty knowledge that you'll never be able to use in your daily life! And THAT my friends, is my evil plan to conquer the world!!

So we come back to the dead guy from The Goonies, who was one of my dad's clients. My dad is a printer and printed his Christmas cards for him. Here we have two of the creepiest, weirdest, and just plain wrong Christmas cards I have ever seen in my life. I would like to thank my dad for not exposing these to me when I was a child.

Click the photos to enable the "ENLARGE-O-MATIC™ PHOTO ENHANCER"!!!

P.S. HERE he is in the freezer with Chunk.

Article #696 - The Phantom Mullet

Yeah, OK. So I'm lame. Didn't post in a couple weeks. Big whoop. I'm sorry. Geez. Get off my case already.

Anyways, this article is actually something that I created back in 10th grade art class. Our awesome art teacher who was a Norwegian Simon Pegg lookalike gave us the assignment of creating a piece that included the actual English word of what we were creating somewhere in the piece. Now, if I was a regular person, I would have chosen some sort of cheap way out, like "car", or "banana", or "government issue". But no, I chose "mullet". For reasons of cheap teenage tomfoolery, I chose to also include in his headband the logo of Five Iron Frenzy, the greatest ska band ever, whose beautiful ode to Rowsdower-esque hairstyles everywhere, "The Phantom Mullet" inspired this piece.

Apparently, my art teacher liked it, as he placed it on display in the hallway of the History Building for all to see, which, as you all know, is second only to getting your art displayed in your local grandmother's house.

Enjoy.

Article #321 - The Darkwing Duck Mask

In my first post, I claimed to have the largest Darkwing Duck collection in the known universe. I assure you, I am not kidding.

Even as my taste in films and television has changed, Darkwing Duck has always been one show that I can watch and always find hilarious. As a child, I laughed at the all of the Batman references and classic Looney Tunes-esque cartoon humor. As an adult, I've discovered that it is quite possibly the funniest and most cleverly written cartoon of all time. Here are 2 examples:

Example #1 In what other kid's cartoon would you hear any villain utter the diabolically decadent line "If the neo-postmodernist backlash hadn't caught pre-antirealism in it's wake you'd be sitting pretty!"?

Example #2 In what other kid's show would you see an episode completely dedicated to be a parody of David Lynch's Twin Peaks entitled "Twin Beaks" complete with a villain "dead, wrapped in plastic", 100s of "log ladies", and title sequence parody?

Seriously, it's my favorite show of all time, and ever since Darkwing Duck premiered in 1991, I've had an unhealthy obsession with all things DW. Luckily for me, my mom and grandmother supported the heck out of this obsession. I literally own everything and by everything, I mean EVERY-FREAKING-THING Darkwing Duck related. Some are really awesome and some are just plain weird and obsessive-like. This is one of those weird and obsessive ones.

In 1993, the Disney Afternoon was at the height of its popularity. There was Ducktales, TaleSpin, Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers, Gummi Bears, and of course (in my humble opinion) the best one of all, Darkwing Duck. And it was pretty dang popular, I mean there were action figures, watches, video games, underwear, t-shirts, shorts, fanny packs, cereal boxes, board games, lunchboxes, video tapes, trading cards, collectible stickers... basically everything that you can milk out of a kid's television show was taken advantage of. That same year, there was the unforgettable Disney Afternoon on Iceshow. There weren't too many shows, and if you try Googling it, you won't find anything. No pictures, no merchandise, no programs - NOTHING!!

One night, my dad came home from work and picked up my mom, my friend Christa, and I and surprised us by taking us to the Disney Afternoon on Ice. The only thing I really remember from the actual show is seeing DW as he skated by, and waving to me, and as awesome as that memory may be, it's definitely not as cool as this semi-creepy Darkwing Duck mask sold only at the very few shows that were put on by the Disney Afternoon on Ice.

I DARE you to find another one of these on the interweb. You can't. I assure you.

I leave you now with a hilariously bad-yet-great cover of the Darkwing Duck theme song.